A Lesson on Living Life to Its Fullest

by Shoshana Shea, Ph.D.

“You must defeat your reason before you can start” – Patrick Star

If you want to live life to the fullest, it’s not about forgetting all your troubles and checking out, it’s about slowing down, checking in, and recognizing you have choices. One of the greatest examples of this came from the imagination of Stephen Hillenburg, “SpongeBob Squarepants” show creator, and his writers. The character is Larry the Lobster; the name of the episode, “A Life in a Day.” As I watched that episode for the 100th time, I was thinking more about Larry’s secret to living life to the fullest; he pronounces, “You got to take risks. Live on the edge…by living each day like it was your last.” Larry goes on to say, “By livin’ like, me, Larry!” 

Living life to the fullest does NOT mean that we should try to ignore all our fears and worries.

Patrick The Starfish, states, “This is the moment where we redeem our miserable lives,” and decides that he must live moment to moment and find the most dangerous of feats; then he will truly be living! To Patrick, ‘Living life to the fullest’ seems to mean that we should try to forget reality and just live without regard for the long-term consequences. I think many of us can relate to that idea, that we wish to live completely free of fear and shut off our worries like a faucet. If only it were that easy! Patrick pronounces, “You must defeat your reason before you can start.” This is my absolute favorite line! It can sound so appealing to ignore that voice in our head that urges us to be cautious and go the opposite direction. But as appealing as it might sound to have no fear, as Patrick discovers, this can have pretty big consequences.

Cautious isn’t necessarily the same as stagnant or boring…

While Patrick is out thrill-seeking within inches of his life, Spongebob interprets living a full life to mean not taking any risks at all. He embodies that voice in our head that tells us to stay firmly planted inside our comfort zone. That familiar voice which can paralyze us, and which can make life stagnant, boring, and small.

Moving towards our values is not easy; otherwise we’d all be doing it!

When we are heading in a direction that is deeply meaningful to us (TOWARDS our values), we have to remember that the short-term is usually not easy at all. When we are moving AWAY from our valued direction, the short-term is usually a relief and can be enthralling at first. What we later find out is, ultimately, an AWAY move reveals that the hard stuff is still there and there are usually negative consequences to whatever method of avoidance we chose in the first place: Drinking excessively, overeating, acting impulsively, reckless thrill seeking (like Patrick), or staying well within our comfort zone (like Spongebob), etc. 

Mindfulness is a useful tool to help us move towards are values.

Mindfulness is often misunderstood to mean that we are only “allowed” to be in the present moment, and not think too much, or to not think at all, about the future. Being mindful is about non-judgmentally NOTICING and having awareness of what we are thinking, feeling, and experiencing, while we are in the present moment. For example, if we are aware that we are feeling sad about our work situation, we can notice the physiological sensations that arise, any other emotions that might be present, and any thoughts that emerge. We can make deliberate decisions about the direction of our life based on these observations. Mindfulness helps us stay the course. It can help bring us back if we have strayed or feel stuck. Contrary to Patrick’s version of “living in the moment,” it’s not about making quick, impulsive, reckless decisions and remaining cut off from our thoughts and emotions. After all, our thoughts and feelings can have really important information for us. Opposite of Patrick: Slow down.

Once we recognize thoughts that help us to move towards what’s meaningful, we have choices about our actions.

A mindfulness tool we use in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is to look at whether our thoughts and actions are serving the function of moving us TOWARDS our values or are they moving us AWAY from what’s most meaningful. Often life throws up some curve balls. We can decide how we are going to relate to those barriers and take action. For example, using the example from above, if we notice we are unhappy at work, we might start researching other job opportunities, setting up informational interviews, and continuing to show up to work every day (all examples of TOWARDS moves), rather than quitting the next day (an example of an AWAY move), and putting ourselves in a bad position.

What will you decide?

At the end of the episode, Patrick has convinced Spongebob that really living is about engaging in a series of dangerous acts. As they are heading towards their demise, Larry saves them, but only after they are all severely injured. Larry chides them as they are heading towards the sharp rocks, “Look guys, my advice wasn’t meant to be taken literally, I meant to live life to the fullest; not to maim yourselves!” So what will you decide? To live like Patrick and “defeat your reason before you can start;” to live like Spongebob, and not take any chances or go outside your comfort zone; or to live like Larry…where risk is absolutely encouraged but in a calculated deliberate manner?

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Five Tips to Tackle Perfectionism and Engage with What Really Matters

By Annabelle Parr

Perfection. On the surface, perfection sounds, well…perfect. A worthy aspiration. Perfection is to be without flaw, and reducing flaws sounds like a pretty solid goal. Right? For those of us who have dealt with perfectionism, we know firsthand that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Far from making us our best selves, perfectionism can trap us in feelings of shame, guilt, low-self esteem, anxiety, and never ending stories in our minds about how and why we are not good enough. It can cause us to limit our choices and keep our lives small in order to avoid risking failure, and thus the tumult of pain that would follow. Far from making life feel perfect, perfectionism can leave us feeling empty and lonely. 

Filtering Out Flaws and The Trap of Social Comparison

In the age of social media, it is more tempting than ever to look at the perfectly filtered moments of other peoples’ lives and to feel like your life is the only one that is anything less than picture perfect (even during a pandemic!). When you compare your lowest moments to everyone else’s shiniest ones, your biggest flops to everyone else’s top ten hits, your worst failures to everyone else’s greatest achievements, your #nofilter to everyone else at their most coiffed, you are bound to feel like there is something wrong with you.

Social media facilitates an instant internal comparison of you at your very worst to others at their absolute best. When we buy into the idea that life should always look and feel Instagramable, we are setting ourselves us for disappointment. But perfectionism has been around far longer than Facebook, so let’s look at it more closely. Why is it so tempting to compare ourselves to others and pursue perfection as if it were possible?

Perfection = Happiness ?

It’s easy to equate striving for perfection with striving for happiness, something our culture loves to sell to us as the ultimate goal. At every turn, we are told that it is our job to be happy. Quite literally. If you are not a perpetually happy employee, partner, parent, friend, etc. you *must* be doing something wrong. Somewhere along the line, you must have messed up. 

But here’s the rub: happiness is an emotion, and like any other emotion, it is fleeting. No matter how apparently perfect your life is, you will still experience the full range of human emotion, including frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, joy, excitement, and awe. There is no perfecting our way out of our emotions.

In fact, the more that we believe we must be perfect, the more likely we are to feel that we are failing and the more likely we are to be caught in uncomfortable emotions about how we don’t measure up to our own impossibly high standards. We are less likely to recognize our successes because *spoiler alert* they have not launched us into the untouchable perfect zone. Far from making us perpetually happy, a desire to be perfect is a surefire way to create extra unpleasant feelings.

Perfection = Growth ?

It’s also easy to confuse striving for perfection with striving for growth or improvement. And sure, if you are constantly beating yourself up about all the things that are wrong with you and all the ways that you are screwing up, you and your growing edges might be quite familiar. OR…

Maybe you are so petrified of being imperfect that you can’t actually examine where you have room for growth. You know you’re not perfect, but you have no concrete sense of how you want to grow because it is too excruciating to reflect on where you feel you are not measuring up. 

Scenario number two: you are busting your butt hard every day. You are exhausted and burnt out, yet no matter how much you check off your how-to-be-perfect-to-do-list, somehow the list just keeps growing. No achievement or improvement seems to make a dent towards the elusive end game of perfection.

Scenario number three: you are so paralyzed with fear of imperfection that you can’t make any choices at all. Terrified to make the wrong decision, risk making a mistake or even worse, failing, you choose not to choose. Far from perfect, life feels stagnant.

So if trying to be perfect doesn’t make us happy and doesn’t guarantee us growth, what’s the point?

Before you start beating yourself up for your perfectionistic tendencies, consider why you are so determined to be perfect in the first place. Even if it is a thwarted, misguided attempt, it probably makes some sense or else perfectionism wouldn’t be such a prevalent strategy.

Maybe your desire for perfection is a desire for belonging: somewhere along the way, you developed the belief that in order to be loved and to connect with others, you had to be flawless. Or maybe it is a desire to have a life that is rich with joy: you want a life filled with that which fills up your soul. Or maybe you find it fulfilling to strive to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. You have been striving to be perfect because you are trying the best way you know how to fulfill a deep need or desire. In other words, even though the strategy you are using has some pretty big costs, it makes sense.

What are the costs of perfectionism?

In order to redirect our energy toward a more workable strategy for engaging in life, first let’s consider the costs of trying to be perfect. They might include, but are certainly not limited to: missing out on the joy of life’s sweet moments and triumphs; saying no to opportunities for fear of failure; low self-esteem; inauthenticity leading to disconnection in the service of appearing perfect; burnout from taking on too much all the time; perpetual anxiety and shame; stagnation; and/or decreased sense of well-being. We become limited by an unattainable standard and life gets smaller and more restricted as we try to squeeze it into the perfect little box we have constructed in our minds about how it should be.

So what is the alternative?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective, perfectionism is at its core psychological inflexibility. The alternative, then, is to cultivate psychological flexibility. How? 

1. You are not your thoughts.

First, we defuse ourselves from our “not good enough” stories. Every time our mind generates a thought about how we are failing or how we might fail or how we have failed and are now somehow unworthy, we remind ourselves that this is our mind trying to protect us and also that this thought is just a thought. We – at our very core – are more than the contents of our minds in any given moment. Our thoughts are not the whole truth about who we are or about the reality of a situation.

In her new book, Be Mighty: A Woman’s Guide to Liberation from Anxiety, Worry & Stress Using Mindfulness and Acceptance, Dr. Jill Stoddard suggests we give our inner critic a name in order to defuse – get some space from – the judgements it generates. Then, when the Critic pipes up with some new version of the “not good enough” story, we can relate to them as if they were a well-meaning friend. We can thank them for their input and desire to help protect us or motivate us, and then we can connect with what matters in this moment.

2. Pause for presence.

How do we connect with what matters in this moment when we are caught in painful emotions? We get present to what is. As Dr. Shea says, take a breath and tune in to this “painful present moment.” Identify the emotions you are experiencing and get curious about the unmet need or desire underlying your feelings.

3. Let your values guide your choices.

If we look back to the needs or desires beneath our efforts to be perfect, we can start to get a sense for our values. For example, bring to mind an area of your life in which it feels particularly important to be perfect. Now consider what this says about what is important to you. What domains of your life feel most important? If you were your ideal self in each of those contexts, who and how would you be?

For example, if it is important to you to be a perfect parent, that probably means that you value your relationship with your kids. Or if it feels important to be the perfect employee or student, that probably means that your work is important to you. Now what qualities do you want to bring to these areas of your life? Our values aren’t goals that we meet, but they describe the way that we want to be in the world. For example, maybe you want to be a loving, compassionate, present, engaged parent. Or maybe you want to be a hard-working, conscientious, ambitious employee or student.

Here is the wonderful part about connecting with our values: we get to choose on a moment by moment basis what it looks like to act in a way that is consistent with who we want to be. And here is the beautiful thing – there is no end goal. You never achieve your values permanently. They are qualities of being you can bring to any moment. And when you fail to act consistently with your values in one moment (because you will), what matters is what you choose to do in the moment following.

4. If you want to live in line with your values, you have to be willing to have discomfort.

When we are caught in needing to be perfect, it tends to be excruciating to recognize when we fall short (often). This is partially because our desire for perfection shows up in the areas of life that matter to us. Making moment by moment choices in line with our values rather than in line with a goal of perfection does not spare us discomfort. Those areas of life still matter to us and it still will hurt when we fall short of acting in line with our values, even if we have defused from our desire to be perfect.

An important piece of the puzzle is that we must be willing to have uncomfortable feelings. We can’t take away the anxiety, sadness, anger, fear, or pain that are inevitable parts of being human. In fact, those feelings often point directly toward something that we care deeply about, and if we were able to rid ourselves of those emotions we would also have to get rid of the joy, love, happiness, and awe that come from connecting with what and who is important to us.

5. Finally, get present to what is.

One of the biggest costs of perfectionism is that we lose touch with the sweetness of life. We are so caught in wanting it to be perfect all the time, that we miss the bliss of both the big and small moments that come pretty darn close. When our minds are frantically searching for something wrong, we miss out on experiencing everything that might be so right. The point of being mindful and present is not to be happy all the time, but it is to bring nonjudgmental attention to what is in this moment. When we are truly present, we free ourselves up to make more deliberate decisions about how to act. We are more conscious of our thoughts and feelings, and we are more likely to catch the sweet little moments that brighten and enrich our lives.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” – John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck said it so well when he said, “and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” The ACT perspective would say, and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can live a life that is guided by what truly matters. You are free to connect with what is important to you and learn to live in line with who you want to be. When we need life to be perfect, we drain it of vitality. When we give ourselves the freedom to be imperfect, we free ourselves up to connect with who we want to be and what truly matters most.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Therapy in the Time of COVID-19 and Shelter in Place: What is Teletherapy?

By Annabelle Parr

During this incredibly stressful time of COVID-19, we are having to make major life adjustments.  With the new shelter in place restrictions, you might wonder whether psychotherapy is still an option available to you. The short answer is yes!

Telehealth, also known as video conferencing or online therapy, has been available long before COVID-19, and is an important alternative to in person care.

Traditionally, therapy is done in person. However, with the emergence of new technologies, there have been an increasing number of telehealth / video conferencing options and platforms emerging and available in the mental health field over the last decade. This means that not only do we have the infrastructure available to offer confidential, HIPAA compliant virtual therapy, but also that there is already plenty of research on telehealth and its efficacy in mental health treatment.

Prior to coronavirus, teletherapy expanded access to care to individuals who were not able to get to a therapist’s office, whether that was due to scheduling difficulties or a lack of mental health care options in their community. Now, shelter in place poses a barrier to accessing in person care for all of us. Thus, telehealth via video conferencing offers convenient access to care for everyone as we are required to stay at home as much as possible.

How effective is telemental health care?

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “from a large body of research we know that telemental health leads to high patient and provider satisfaction ratings and achieves health outcomes equivalent to in-person care across all diagnostic groups” (Yellowlees, 2020). So as long as the client is willing to engage in therapy virtually and is not an extreme risk to themselves or others, research shows that telemental health is as effective as in person treatment.

How does virtual therapy work?

Typically, telehealth involves video conferencing with your therapist using a secure, HIPAA compliant platform. No extra equipment or complicated applications are required.  Clients can use their smartphones or a laptop computer with a built-in camera. Therapists are able to offer telehealth services to patients located in the state in which they are licensed. So a therapist licensed in and practicing in California is able to offer teletherapy services to patients located in the state of California. Though not all therapists were offering telehealth options prior to COVID-19, given the current situation, many have adjusted their practices to offer video counseling options to patients in need.

What should you look for in a telehealth provider?

The same things you would look for in a therapist you would see in person: you want to ensure that the therapist you choose has expertise in the areas in which you are seeking treatment for, and you want to make sure the therapist feels like a good fit for you personally. One thing we know for sure is that the quality of the therapist-client relationship is the most important factor in producing successful treatment outcomes across settings, in-person or online. This means that in order for therapy to be effective, you have to have a solid trusting rapport with your therapist. Assuming those two conditions are present, telehealth is likely to be just as effective as working with the same therapist in person.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Mindfulness, and Telemental Health Services. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

Navigating Romantic Relationships During COVID-19

by Annabelle Parr

One of the many challenges presented by COVID-19 is the way it has altered how we are permitted to relate to one another. Required to maintain distance between ourselves and others, we are allowed out of our homes only for essential business and errands, or to take walks or runs as long as we keep at least six feet between ourselves and those we pass. Initially this six feet rule was termed “social distancing,” but experts have proposed that we shift our terminology to “physical distancing.” While this may seem like a trivial shift, it speaks to the importance of relational connection and reminds us that we must keep a physical distance from one another, not an emotional one.

Humans are inherently social creatures; we evolved in a context that dictated that connection and cooperation with the group was vital to our survival. So what a strange situation we find ourselves in where, for our collective wellbeing, we must put physical distance between ourselves and others. Paradoxically, you may find that this new paradigm is helping you to reconnect with friends and loved ones you rarely spoke with prior, taking advantage of the technologies that allow us to see one another even when you are not in the same room, city, or even country. You may also be finding that this shift has thrown new, challenging, unprecedented and unexpected variables into your romantic relationship. Whether you are dating, in a committed relationship, or married, COVID-19 has altered our daily lives in such a way that it is bound to impact our relational lives.

Dating during coronavirus

If you were dating prior to the COVID-19 outbreak, it may feel difficult to know how to proceed. With so many options for online dating and dating apps, the dating landscape has changed dramatically over the last decade, even prior to coronavirus. However, while these apps may help you find and connect with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, typically, the dating itself has still involved actually meeting in person. For the time being, meeting in person is not an option.

But what if you are still interested in dating, meeting new people, and pursuing connection? If it is important to you to continue dating during this time, there are options available to you if you are willing to be flexible and creative. Rather than going out on dates, you can opt for talking on the phone, setting up a video call happy hour, or even a Netflix Party to share in a favorite TV show or movie together.

It’s also important to know that there is no pressure. If meeting for the first time through your computer screen does not sound like something that is in line with your values at this moment in time, that’s okay. Give yourself permission to take a break and know that this is temporary. Tune in to what matters to you and what you need to do to take care of yourself during this time.

Relationships during coronavirus

Maybe you are already in a committed relationship. If you do not live with your partner, you may have found that suddenly it feels like you are in a long distance relationship. Depending on any number of variables (from whether you or your partner lives with others, whether their roommates are still working outside the home, etc.), you may not be able to see each other or connect using any form of physical touch right now.

If, on the other hand, you are living together or have chosen to quarantine together, you are likely now spending near 24/7 in the same space together. This can present its own set of challenges. As much as we love our partners, as relationship expert Esther Perel noted, “our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” And it can be hard to find that separateness during shelter in place.

Marriage and/or children during coronavirus

If you are married and/or raising children with your partner, not only are you and your partner now together 24/7, but the kids are home as well. Trying to navigate working from home and homeschooling children on top of everything else presents a lot of new variables to manage as a couple and family.

Tips for tending to your relationship during coronavirus

Whether coronavirus has meant that you and your partner cannot see each other in person, or whether it means that you are now almost constantly together, connection and communication are crucial for navigating this time together. Here are some tips for maintaining a loving, balanced relationship during COVID-19:

1. Acknowledge and have self-compassion for your emotions. Allow yourself to have your feelings. Be gentle with yourself and know that however you are feeling is okay. When we are willing to have our feelings and to be compassionate to ourselves in the midst of pain and struggle, we are able to make deliberate choices about how we communicate and behave that are in line with the type of person and partner we want to be. When we are unwilling to have our feelings, or we are unkind to ourselves, our emotions may find unhelpful ways of leaking out and may come to covertly control our reactions.

2. Clearly state your feelings and your needs. Our partners are not mind readers, nor should they be. We are all individuals with unique feelings and needs, and we can best support each other when we are each clear about what helps us to feel safe and loved. I-statements provide a useful template for communicating your feelings and needs clearly (I feel [x] when [y], and I need [z]).

3. Give your partner space and compassion to process and experience their emotions. Know that it’s totally normal for each of us to feel and think differently about this situation. You and your partner may have different needs, feelings, and opinions, and just as it is important that you allow yourself to have your experience, it’s important that your partner has the space to have their experience as well. In any given moment, one of you may feel anxious about all the uncertainty, while the other may feel grateful for time to slow down; one of you may want to be productive, while the other may be exhausted. One of you may want to be as informed as possible and process the information aloud, while the other may want to watch Netflix and only update as necessary.  

4. Work together to creatively support each other. You may have different needs during all of this, and that can be hard to manage. Carve out time to meet each other’s needs and find ways to compromise. For example, those in long distance scenarios may find one partner is craving a FaceTime date, while the other wants to ditch their screens for a while having been glued to them all day while telecommuting. Plan a time for a screen date to maintain connection, and also plan out some time for a screen detox.  

5. Stay connected with friends and family. Romantic relationships are not meant to function like islands; yet when we are stuck in the same space for weeks on end, it can start to feel like we are literally stuck on an island together. Make sure to reach out for support and connection with friends and family during this time. Having a wider net for support in times of stress is crucial.

6. Strike a balance between connection and separation. If you are in a long distance scenario, you may be craving more connection. If you are quarantining together, you may be craving more separateness. (Though of course the reverse can be true in either scenario as well). It is important to find time to connect, share our emotions, needs, and experiences, and be together, and it is equally important to have some space to ourselves, to read or engage in personally enjoyed activities, or catch up with other loved ones. Being intentional with our time and space, and honoring our own and our partner’s need for both connection and separateness can help us to strike a balance.

7. Laugh together. Humor can be so healing during times of stress. Finding things to laugh about together can help us bond and help defuse some of the tension we may be feeling. Whether this involves watching funny videos or shows together, playing silly games, or just finding the humor in little moments, laughter really is good medicine. It might sound hard to laugh during such a stressful time, but it’s important to seek out something that brings us a little joy and levity.

8. Connect with gratitude. This does not mean you are not allowed to feel anxious or sad or angry or exhausted about this massive upheaval. However, pausing to mindfully appreciate small joys or victories can help shift our perspective, even if just for a moment, and can help us to weather the storm with more resilience. See if you can notice the things that you are grateful for in your partner, the little moments with them that you cherish. Try to connect with something you are grateful for each day, whether it has to do with your relationship or not.

9. Utilize the tools available to you. We are still able to go outside, breathe in fresh air, take walks or go on a run. And thankfully we live in a time in which we have a whole host of technology available to us that allows us to stay connected in ways never before possible. None of this is an ideal situation, but don’t forget to utilize what is available to you to help create balance in your life and relationship where possible.

10. Seek professional support. If you are experiencing stress, anxiety, trauma, or depression that is impacting your ability to function effectively in your relationship (or any other important area of your life), professional support is available. Many therapists, including Dr. Shea, are offering telehealth services to clients during shelter in place. Telehealth or teletherapy typically involves conducting sessions via a videoconferencing platform or over the phone, and studies have shown telehealth to be as effective as in person therapy. It is okay to ask for help, and help is still available to you.

Relationships can be challenging even in the best of times, and as we face this totally unprecedented global stressor, expect that it will present some new challenges to your relationship. As much as it is a time filled with stress, anxiety, and fear, this is also an opportunity to develop resilience and skills to navigate situations full of uncertainty. Rest in the knowledge that this is a period of trial and adjustment for us all, and be gentle with yourself, your partner, and all of your loved ones.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Mindfulness, and Telemental Health Services. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

The Way We Use Mindfulness Matters

By Annabelle Parr

It seems like mindfulness is everywhere these days. In recent years, it has exploded on the scene as the seemingly catch-all cure for a whole host of problems, supposedly promising to address mental health concerns, decrease stress, improve performance at work, and make you a better parent. Its benefits are touted across the internet – from business sites like Forbes and Fast Company, to wellness sites like the Huffington Post, to inspirational sites like Upworthy.

It’s true that practicing mindfulness can benefit us in all sorts of ways, showing not only benefits to our mind and our mood, but to our overall physiological health as well. However, when something is subjected to as much hype as mindfulness has been, sometimes in all the air time, it can get watered down and potentially misrepresented. Depending on how we talk about mindfulness and how we choose to apply it to our struggles and our lives, mindfulness can be a huge help or it can become one more well-disguised attempt at avoiding and controlling discomfort.

So what actually is mindfulness?

Mindfulness has a long and rich history rooted in Eastern philosophy traditions, which have acknowledged its benefits for centuries. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, was a trail blazer in integrating an understanding of mindfulness into the Western conception of health. He defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Meditation is an example of a mindful exercise, but mindfulness can be practiced in any moment during any activity – one of the reasons it is so appealing and accessible as a means of promoting wellbeing.

Sounds ideal, right? You can practice it anytime, anywhere! The key to a stress free life is available to you in any moment! Well…not exactly.

 As Steven C. Hayes (2019) pointed out in his new book, A Liberated Mind, “it matters what mindfulness is for.” Why are we choosing to practice mindfulness? Based on any number of headlines and articles you read online, it sounds like practicing mindfulness is about getting rid of discomfort and stress. But thinking about it this way can actually make things worse! As Carl Jung noted, what we resist persists. The more we try to escape, avoid, or control our emotions, the stronger they tend to get. What’s more, when all our energy is devoted to controlling discomfort, our lives become increasingly restricted as our choices are dictated by what we are not willing to feel. When mindfulness becomes one more tool to escape or control uncomfortable experiences, it can end up fueling the same cycle that gets us caught in suffering.

So if it’s not about getting rid of stress, why should we bother being mindful?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, mindfulness helps make our lives richer and more meaningful. It does not guarantee freedom from discomfort. But it does offer us a new way to meet our pain. When we connect to the here and now rather than getting caught in regrets about the past or worries about the future, we are freed to notice what is happening in the moment and then choose to take action toward what is important to us.

The purpose is not to get rid of stress or anxiety or grief or whatever other uncomfortable feeling shows up, but rather to help facilitate awareness so that discomfort does not control our actions and define our lives. In being more present, we are free to notice not only the tough stuff like sadness or fear or frustration, but also the stuff that fills us up, like peace, joy and triumph. When we are not responsible for changing how we feel, we are freed up to change how we behave.

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness, it can absolutely be helpful! And it can help you with things like stress and anxiety and work performance and being a more engaged parent and partner. But the reason it is helpful matters. A lot.

When you decide to show up to the moment mindfully, remind yourself that this is not a way to escape something difficult or painful. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, so poignantly noted, “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Mindfulness allows us to access that space. It allows us to hold our experience willingly and gently, allows us to notice helpful information that may be present in our experience, and allows us to make a conscious, active choice about how we want to behave. We are freed to choose to act in a way that is consistent with our values, and in so doing, we are invited to experience life as full of vitality and meaning, even when we are faced with discomfort.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Why It’s Okay to Be Mad

by Annabelle Parr

Humans are wired for connection. Relationships bring us immense joy, but they can also be challenging at times. There will inevitably be moments when we miscommunicate and misunderstand each other, and this can lead to frustration and conflict where both partners feel angry and hurt.

Here’s an example.

Julie and Rob both have busy lives, children they love, and full-time jobs. Julie wants Rob to spend more time with the family. Rob wishes Julie understood the overwhelming pressure his boss puts on him. Julie never “signed up” to be a single parent; and Rob doesn’t seem to understand that she has pressures and responsibilities of her own at work. Julie, unlike Rob, makes time for the family. It is the third night in a row that Rob has called to say he won’t be home before the boys go to bed. Julie is tired and frustrated. She snaps, “You don’t have to come home at all, for all I care.” Rob feels demoralized. It seems like he can’t please anyone no matter what he does. Julie is fuming and can’t seem to make Rob understand how she feels so alone.

Both Rob and Julie’s feelings are valid, but neither one of them is feeling heard. Both of them are now feeling angry. Anger is not a bad thing; there are no “bad” emotions. However, when people get angry, conflict does have the potential to escalate.

We tend to equate anger with aggression, but anger is an emotion while aggression is a behavior.

The problem isn’t anger itself. As Tina Gilbertson notes on her blog, “anger has never hurt anyone.” Emotions, no matter how strong, cannot cause harm. Rather, it is our behavior and our emotional expression has the potential to inflict injury. So, our negative connotation towards anger is due to our lack of understanding surrounding how to express ourselves when we feel mad.

Allowing ourselves to get angry is actually healthy.

While getting aggressive is destructive, allowing ourselves to feel angry is vital. Here’s why.

1. Anger, like any emotion, is information. Ignoring anger is like ignoring your smoke alarm. Approaching the screeching alarm may be uncomfortable, but it’s a sign that something is amiss. When we ignore such a vital piece of information, we invite the underlying problem to turn into a full blown fire.

“…feelings like… anger… instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back…They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.”
- Pema Chödrön

“Anger is the feeling that says No to opposition, injury, or injustice. It is a signal that something I value is in jeopardy.”
- David Richo

2. Anger is energy that we can use to create change. We can either take this energy out on ourselves and/or others, or we can channel it into positive, constructive change. For example, rather than getting into a yelling match with a family member, you can use your angry energy as courage to set a firm, clear boundary. Or rather than ruminating on all the bad things that happen in the world, you can use your anger as motivation to get involved in volunteering for a cause close to your heart.

“We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other peoples’ reactions, nor are they responsible for ours.”
- Harriet Lerner

3. Anger can help protect us, at least for a time. Anger helps us to draw a line between what we will accept in our lives and what we will not. It can also help us ease into pain that we may not be ready to fully experience without a protective layer - anger. Holding on to anger across our lifetime is toxic. But allowing ourselves to be angry for a time may give us the space we need to set boundaries and create room to heal.

“My dictionary defines forgiveness as a ‘letting go of resentment.’ But how do we let go if we believe our anger protects us from further injury or, in some strange way, holds a perpetrator accountable? Resentment and righteous indignation distance us from our own pain, and we need distance to survive. At least initially.”
- Daniel Gottlieb

4. No matter how hard we try to repress our anger, it will eventually find its way out at our expense. We cannot will our emotions away. They’ll simply find other outlets or ways to catch up with us. The only way to get rid of an emotion is to feel it and allow it to move through us.

“Passive anger [passive aggression] is inappropriate and not an adult way of behaving. Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate. Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger turned inward.”
- David Richo

“Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” 
- Jack Kornfield

So next time you find yourself feeling angry, give yourself grace and permission to feel it. Because, as David Richo (1991) wisely states, “the anger has pointed to where it still hurts.”

How to Handle Anger Constructively:

1. Pause. Take a deep breath and center yourself before trying to communicate.
2. Acknowledge and accept what you are feeling. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt; your feelings exist for good reason. Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling – frustration, pain, fear, rejection. Get curious about what caused that feeling to arise.
    
3. Have compassion for yourself.
    
4. Have compassion for the other person. Give them the benefit of the doubt as well, and recognize that their feelings exist for good reason too. Get curious about their emotions and what has triggered that emotion in them.
    
5. Respond rather than react. Reacting is reflexive; it’s a knee jerk reaction that occurs when someone hits one of our sore spots. Reacting is natural and happens to everyone from time to time. But how you move forward after you react is important. Notice your own reaction and then respond to it. Responding is pausing, communicating without blame, and listening from a place of compassion rather than defensiveness.

If you find yourself struggling with anger and could use some help navigating these feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for hard times. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Gottlieb, D. (2010). The wisdom of Sam: Observations on life from an uncommon child. Hay House, Inc.

Kornfield, J. (1993). A path with heart: A guide through the perils and promises of spiritual life. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Row Publishers. 

Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.

When Panic Sneaks Up and Attacks

by Annabelle Parr 

It’s a regular Thursday morning and John is driving to work along the same stretch of freeway that he drives every day. He is having a stressful week, but his mind isn’t dwelling on anything in particular. His thoughts bounce from what to make for dinner to an errand he has to run during lunch to a meeting he has this afternoon. He doesn’t feel particularly anxious.

Suddenly, his heart starts racing and his palms begin sweating. He can’t explain what is happening; it doesn’t make sense to him. First he feels confused, then he begins to worry that something is wrong. He starts to feel short of breath and then he begins to feel as if he is going to faint. Because he is driving, he is afraid that if he passes out, he will crash and die.

John doesn’t know what happened to him. He worries it may have been a heart attack, but when he goes to the doctor, he learns that it was actually a panic attack. He is confused because he didn’t feel afraid or anxious prior to the attack. His doctor explains that you don’t have to feel panic to experience a panic attack.

Our body is built to respond adaptively to danger.

At some point or another, we have all experienced the feeling that our safety is being threatened. We know what it’s like to feel consciously afraid and to feel our body physiologically preparing for danger. Our heart starts racing, our palms start sweating, our breathing gets shallow, and our muscles tense up. Our body goes into fight-flight-or-freeze mode to help us respond adaptively to whatever threat we are facing.

Panic attacks are the body’s way of trying to prepare us for an unconscious perceived threat.

Sometimes, our body responds to a threat that our conscious mind is not aware of. This is what happened in the above example. When we do not feel afraid, the physiological response itself can feel threatening and overwhelming. This exaggerated and unexplained response can result in a panic attack. Panic attacks create the feeling that your body is turning against you rather than working to help you. What may once have been an adaptive response to an external threat has morphed into what feels like a threat coming from within.

What is a panic attack?

A panic attack is defined as the abrupt onset of intense fear or discomfort that peaks within several minutes. Panic attacks can emerge from a calm state or an anxious one, making them difficult to predict. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM V), a panic attack includes at least four of the following symptoms:

1. Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
2. Sweating
3. Trembling or shaking
4. Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
5. Feelings of choking
6. Chest pain or discomfort
7. Nausea or abdominal distress
8. Feeling dizzy, unsteady, light-headed or faint
9. Chills or heat sensations
10. Paresthesia (numbness or tingling sensations)
11. Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
12. Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
13. Fear of dying

What’s the difference between a panic attack and panic disorder?

Panic disorder can develop when a person experiences recurrent and unexpected panic attacks, and develops a persistent concern or worry about additional panic attacks or their consequences and/or significant maladaptive behavior changes related to the attacks. It is possible to experience panic attacks without having panic disorder.

Are panic attacks dangerous?

People experiencing panic attacks often end up in the Emergency Room worried they are having a heart attack. While uncomfortable and overwhelming, a panic attack itself is not dangerous. But because they can arise unexpectedly, it can feel as if they are. If we have just been on a long run or are about to give a big presentation, we know why our heart is pounding or our palms are sweating. But when our heart begins pounding and we start trembling and we can’t figure out why, these symptoms are frightening. They seem to originate within our body rather than as a response to something external.

Is it all in my head?

Absolutely not. While panic attacks are psychologically rooted, they result in a very real physiological response. And though a panic attack may seem to arise out of the blue, there is always an external trigger. Our minds detect a threat, whether consciously or not, and our body responds accordingly. A feedback loop then ensues as our mind interprets our physiological response as threatening, and our body continues to attempt to prepare us to address a threat.

If you experience a panic attack, there is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s not a sign of weakness or that you are going crazy. It’s not your fault. Though it doesn’t feel this way, a panic attack is your body trying to help protect you.

Are panic attacks permanent?

No, panic attacks do not have to be a permanent fixture in your life. Though you do not cause yourself to have a panic attack, you can learn how to prevent and manage them. Panic disorder is one of the most treatable disorders, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has been proven to be a highly effective form of treatment.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Psychoeducation and understanding what is happening in the mind and body during a panic attack is a big part of healing. Treatment also involves examining triggers, teaching clients skills to address the acute symptoms of the attack as well as the overall stress level, and using repeated exposures. Exposure therapy incorporates an experiential piece into treatment, where the client is incrementally exposed to the feared situation and learns that they will survive.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can help clients to overcome the fear of panic attacks themselves, and empower them to face the situations that they may have previously avoided in order to try to prevent an attack. Clients can learn that not only will they survive a panic attack, but that they can actually move on and begin to thrive.

If you are experiencing panic attacks, avoiding situations you fear could trigger an attack (driving, crowded spaces, public speaking, etc), or find that your day to day functioning is impacted by anxiety, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

Navigating Guilt

By Annabelle Parr

Feeling guilty is uncomfortable; it’s a sign that something is amiss. Investigating our guilt can help us to discover why it is present. If we have done something wrong, guilt is our conscience pushing us to adjust our behavior or atone for our mistakes. This sort of guilt is useful and exists for good reason.

But it’s also possible to feel guilty even when we haven’t done anything wrong.

Here’s an example: Lily has to tell her staff that they must come to work one Saturday a month. Although this is a company mandate, she feels guilty.

Lily has not done anything wrong, so apologizing or changing her behavior will not address her feelings of guilt in this situation.

How do we move forward and address our feelings of guilt when we have not done anything wrong?

1. Identify the feelings underlying guilt.

When you do something that upsets another person, it brings up emotions in you. You may say, “I feel guilty!” However, Tina Gilbertson says that guilt isn’t so much an emotion as it is a cue that other emotions are present. We can use guilt as an indication that we are experiencing a highly charged emotional reaction, and then we can investigate and identify the emotions that are hidden by our guilt. Paul Gilbert (2003) notes that in order to feel guilt, we may also be required also to tolerate sadness. In investigating the emotions beneath guilt, we are challenged to tolerate the discomfort they bring.

In the example, underlying Lily’s guilt may be frustration with her company for this new mandate and with the fact that she must be the one to deliver the news to her staff. She may also be feeling anxiety about how her staff will react and whether it will negatively impact her relationship with them.

2. Take note of avoidance behaviors and thoughts.

When we are not sure how to address our feelings of guilt, we may try to avoid taking the necessary action that we feel guilty about.

In the example, Lily may put off telling her staff about the new mandate.

In the Healthcare episode of The Office, Michael Scott offers an example of the extreme lengths a person might go to avoid feelings of guilt. Feeling guilty about having to cut employee health care benefits, Michael tries to pass the responsibility along to Jim and then Dwight (two of his employees). As the episode progresses and this avoidance attempt fails, Michael tries to appease everyone with ice cream sandwiches, and then proceeds to lock himself in his office until 5pm.

Source URL: http://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/news-photo/health-care-episode-3-aired-pictured-steve-carell-as-news-photo/141187274#health-care-episode-3-aired-04052005-pictured-steve-carell-as-michael-picture-id141187274

It’s important to remember that avoiding taking action does not assuage our guilt, but rather prolongs it.

3. Have compassion for yourself.

Acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. Understand that it may be hard to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort. Remember that inevitably, we all disappoint people at some point or another. But it’s okay to feel disappointed, and you don’t have to “fix” other peoples’ disappointment.

In our example, Lily could be self-compassionate by recognizing that it is not her fault that her staff has to work one Saturday a month, and it is not her fault that they will be disappointed. She could say “it’s hard for me to share this news with you and it’s hard for you to hear it.”

4. Act in a way that is fitting to the situation.

Rather than giving in to avoidance, take the actions required of you even though they may be difficult. Part of acting in a way that is fitting means that you are careful not to be too apologetic. Depending on the scenario, you may share your feelings regarding the situation and the challenging position in which you find yourself, but this does not mean that you need to take on the responsibility for the other person’s disappointment or emotional reaction to your action.

For Lily, appropriate action would be holding a meeting with her staff and explaining the new policy. She does not need to apologize, but she can convey a sense of empathy for the reactions that her staff may have.

5. Step back and pause, allowing the other person/people to have their reaction/s.

If the other person is upset by your action, do not rush in to try to “fix” it or apologize. Allow them to feel their emotions, and notice what comes up for you. Have compassion for others and for yourself. And keep in mind that emotions are never permanent, and that we tend to work through them in our own time when we are allowed to feel them.

Lily might allow her staff to ask questions or express dismay. She may display empathy without wavering on the company policy or apologizing.

Guilt can affect our work, our relationships, and our behavior in all aspects of our lives.

Knowing how to navigate the sort of guilt that does not stem from wrongdoing is important. As author and civil rights activist Audre Lorde put it, “guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”

Have you found yourself struggling with a similar situation? Dr. Shea can help with learning the necessary tools to navigate such circumstances. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Gilbert, P. (2003). Evolution, social roles, and the differences in shame and guilt. Social Research:
An international quarterly, 70(4), 1205-1230.

Reframing “Failure”: Trial and Error or Trial and Adjustment?

by Shoshana Shea and Annabelle Parr

How do we learn new things? Trial and error. Error is vital, but it is not the endpoint the way the phrase “trial and error” suggests. Instead, it is a signal that something needs to change. It gives us the information we need to make an appropriate adjustment to our behavior to either improve or redirect ourselves. So life is not really about trial and error, but trial and adjustment.

We embrace error and adjustment with babies.

We don’t expect an infant to come out of the womb knowing how to walk. We recognize that in order to learn, they will fall and get bruised up, and inevitably encounter pain. But we recognize failure as integral to the growth required to walk.

Furthermore, because we don’t expect instant perfection from young children, we recognize, honor, and validate each milestone on the path toward success. If walking is the end goal, then crawling isn’t failure, but rather a necessary step or adjustment towards the ultimate goal.

So why don’t we embrace erring and adjusting in ourselves as adults?

Before we even have language mastered, we are taught to avoid failure.

After we learn to walk and talk, our world shifts. Our culture exalts strength and success, yet ignores the fact that these things only come from failing and growing as a result. So we are taught that it is no longer okay to fail. That now we must present this image that we have life immediately mastered.

We are all busy hiding our mistakes, so it looks like no one is making any.

We don’t want to admit that we make errors, though one of the only things that we can say about life with certainty is that we all make mistakes. We are all trying to make it appear like we only need one trial to succeed – trial and success, never trial and error. We have created this grand cultural illusion that success is instant, fairly effortless, and painless.

We know that failure hurts.

Our instinct is to shield ourselves from that pain. It feels easier to stay well within our comfort zones, never having to feel unsure of the outcome of our efforts. It’s comfortable to be certain that we will succeed because we have aimed lower than our full potential. So we confine ourselves to crawling because we don’t want the bruises that come with learning to walk.

Here’s the harsh truth: we can choose to act on fear, but we cannot avoid failure.

As J.K. Rowling (2008) reminds us, “it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” Failure does hurt, but we can avoid neither failure nor pain in this life. What ultimately harms us more than either of these things is our refusal to try, err, and adjust; our refusal to live and embrace being human.

Source URL: http://likesuccess.com/img4622268

Our rejection of failure…

…affects our kids, their education, and their development.

As soon as our kids enter elementary school, we no longer allow them to fail. An “F” is a terrible thing – a sign of either laziness or lack of intelligence. We teach them to fear failure and to be ashamed of it. They learn to avoid trying new and challenging things because anything less than immediate success is intolerable.  

 …stunts innovation, creativity, and success.

In her TED Talk on shame, Brené Brown (2012) notes that TEDx should be called the failure conference. She means this as a positive thing because the people who achieve truly innovative solutions to the problems in this world are the people who are not afraid to fail, and have courageously done so over and over again.

I can guarantee that every single “successful” person that you admire failed a whole lot before they became the person that you now look up to. Their failures and mistakes helped to shape them into the admirable, wise, resilient human you now look up to.

…bleeds into every important area of our life, from our careers to our relationships to our education to our physical wellbeing.

When we do not allow ourselves to try and to err, we miss out. We limit ourselves from achieving the height of our potential because we are unwilling to face the depth of our imperfection.

When we allow a fear of failure to run our lives, we do not go after that job that is beyond our comfort zone. We do not take on that project that sounds difficult. We do not engage in the vulnerability required to open our hearts and experience real connection. We take the easy class rather than the challenging one. We do not apply to that reach school. We do not walk in to the gym or join that fitness class.

We limit ourselves and our ability to feel joy and confidence because we are afraid to know the other side of that coin. So instead we confine ourselves to the safety of certainty.

The Rock Garden Metaphor

There is a metaphor in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that offers much wisdom in the way of uncertainty. It is called the Rock Garden Metaphor (Follette & Pistorello, 2007). In Japan, there is a rock garden with fifteen rocks. From any given point in the garden, one rock is always hidden. In order to view the once hidden rock, one must move to a new spot. But there is no point in the garden where all fifteen rocks are within view.

Such is life. We can’t ever have all the knowledge. There is always something we can’t see or we don’t know yet. Maybe what we can’t foresee is failure or heartbreak or loss. But maybe it is success or love or joy. We won’t know until we take a leap to a new position.

So rather than wait for certainty that won’t come, we can cultivate self-awareness, do our best to make decisions in line with who we are and what we value, and take the leap of faith necessary to move forward and find new perspectives. We can evaluate afterwards how it went, what we learned, and if an adjustment is necessary. But we will remain stagnant if we wait to for that hidden rock to show itself or if we wait until we are no longer afraid to move.

Uncertainty is scary. But we don’t need to eliminate fear in order to act.

As Carrie Fisher wisely instructs us, “stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” We don’t eliminate fear by heeding it, but rather by defying it. Thus allowing ourselves to build the kind of enduring confidence that is only born when we risk failure, allow ourselves to fall and gain the knowledge that we can get back up.

Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/203787951869050945/

Though acting on fear shuts us off from growth, fear itself is not our enemy.

We can be afraid, allow ourselves to feel that fear, and still choose to act in spite of it. As David Richo (1991) put it, “when change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it.” Fear is actually a beautiful thing because it gives us the choice to be brave.

We can learn to welcome fear as a positive sign.

As Pema Chodron notes, “fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” Rather than trying to eliminate fear, we can embrace it as a companion, a sign that we are moving towards growth and truth.

Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/394627986073460265/

Error is vital, but it’s the adjustment that’s important.

Ultimately, life is about trial and adjustment, more than trial and error. Error will always be part of the process; however, reframing this statement can help us to acknowledge that failure is not a permanent state of existence. We will inevitably make mistakes, but this is the place where we learn to adjust our behavior. It is the adjustment, the learning, that we should focus on, rather than the error.

Furthermore, even when we do mess up, it is never an error to live our lives. It is never an error to step out of our comfort zone or take that leap of faith. We may try things and we may fail, but it was not an error to fail. It was simply a necessary step in our journey toward becoming the whole person that we are meant to be.

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If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

REFERENCES:

Brown, B. (2012). Brené Brown: Listening to shame. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Follette, V. M., & Pistorello, J. (2007). Finding life beyond trauma: Using acceptance and commitment therapy to heal from post-traumatic stress and trauma-related problems. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.

Rowling, J. K. (2008). J.K. Rowling: The fringe benefits of failure. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure

Give Yourself the Gift of Kindness This Holiday Season

by Annabelle Parr

Somehow the holidays have snuck up on us once again. Though this time of year is meant to be filled with joy and cheer, for many of us it is also filled with stress, anxiety, and maybe even sadness or pain. The holiday season does not erase preexisting struggles, and it can add an extra layer of stress on top of what we may already have been dealing with. If you are having a hard time during the holidays, you may not feel like you have permission to be anything but happy.

But it’s important to remember you are not alone if you’re feeling stressed, tired, or less than joyful. The holidays can be difficult for many people and for many reasons. Engaging in the annual holiday traditions may bring back upsetting memories for those who experienced trauma, loss, or pain at this time of year. You may feel the weight of a recent change or loss, or you may notice that things have stayed the same from one holiday season to another when you desired a change. Maybe you have a challenging relationship with a particular family member that you have to navigate during the holidays, or maybe going home and back into your family system brings up unresolved conflicts or issues. Or maybe you enjoy the holidays, but you find yourself rushing around trying to accomplish everything on your to-do list within a budget of both time and money, and as a result you are unable to appreciate a time of year that you love because you are feeling so harried.

Whether your heart is feeling full of joy or full of pain, or some combination of both, here are a list of things that you can do to be kind to yourself and manage the stress that may accompany this season.

1.     Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy.” So, heed Theodore Roosevelt’s wise words, and try not to compare your holiday experience with what you see on TV, in movies, or on Facebook. And try not to set unrealistic expectations for yourself and for whatever holiday you celebrate. As Voltaire wisely put it, “perfect is the enemy of good.” Your holiday doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. So give yourself the grace for a few mistakes or snags in the plan because they are inevitable.

2.     Give yourself permission to say no. There is only so much time in the month of December. Though it is easy to feel the pressure to say yes to everything holiday related, it is important to know your own limits. Setting clear boundaries for yourself, with both your time and your finances, can help to reduce stress. Giving yourself some time to rest can allow you to more fully appreciate those things that you do choose to say yes to.

3.     Acknowledge your feelings. If you are feeling sad, anxious, lonely, or depressed, know that it’s okay. Allow yourself to feel those things without beating yourself up or feeling guilty for feeling this way at the holidays. Remember that we get ourselves into trouble when we try to avoid distressing feelings. And keep in mind that happiness and sadness can coexist. We can have moments of each, and even moments of both. But if we are busy trying to deny or avoid our pain, it’s going to be much harder to feel the joy at all.

4.     Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion means that we “mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation” (Neff, 2016).

5.     Practice kind self-talk. Listen to the thoughts running through your mind. Do you talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or loved one? Or are you beating yourself up for mistakes, imperfections, or feelings you wish weren’t there? If your self-talk is less than kind, try to remember to give yourself the same grace you would give to the people you love.

6.     Breathe. Frustrated with a long check-out line? Angry that someone cut you off in the parking lot? Feeling overwhelmed with your to-do lists? One of your relatives pushing your buttons? Remember to take a breath. Focus mindfully on each inhalation and exhalation, noticing your belly rise and fall with each breath. Mindful breathing exercises can help center you and calm your nervous system down.

7.     Take care of yourself. You know what you need better than anyone. Taking care of yourself might mean staying active and setting time aside for exercise – whether that is a long distance run or a stroll through your neighborhood. Or maybe you need a night in, wrapped in a blanket watching your favorite holiday movie. Self-care might mean surrounding yourself with your closest friends or family, or it might look like taking some time to be alone and read a good book. Ask yourself what you need and listen to your body’s response.

8.     Seek support when you need it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and everything is just too much, know that you don’t need to handle it alone. If you have too much to do, consider asking your loved ones to help you tackle a few things. If you’re feeling lonely or down, reach out to a trusted loved one to talk. If you feel you might benefit from some professional support, therapy is a good place to come work things through with an empathic, non-judgmental counselor. Talking with someone who knows how to listen and who can provide you with some coping tools can be incredibly healing.

If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

References:

Neff, K. (2016). Tips for practice. Self-compassion. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/tips-for-practice/