Just because you are capable of doing something, doesn’t mean you must

By Dr. Shoshana Shea

Simply put, when someone asks us to do something we are capable of doing, we often feel guilty, anxious, and obliged to do it; that doesn’t mean we should though.  Ever notice how being efficient and competent can sometimes feel like a punishment? Or when no one else is taking responsibility for a task, and the task needed to get done two days ago, and that even though you are screaming “No!” inside, you absolutely won’t do it this time, the other side of your brain betrays you, and tells your foot to step forward?

The paradox in all of this is that, in an effort to be helpful and connected, we end up feeling resentful and disconnected.

From an evolutionary biological standpoint, individuals who were able to live in cooperative societies, were able to survive, thrive, and pass on their genes; i.e., our ancestors. So not only is it in our ‘hard wiring’ to say yes without thinking about it, we have many societal and familial reasons to not say no as well. A compliant easy-going child gets praised, and a ‘difficult,’ more independent one often gets punished and shamed.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not advocating for people to not be helpful and amenable; I’m asking that we pause to consider a few factors before proceeding with an action.

Here are a couple of points to take into account the next time your co-worker, mom, PTA president, the dog groomer, or even the dog asks (or implies that) you should be doing something:

1.     Just because you are able to do something, doesn’t mean you should! Make this your new mantra, “Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.”

2.     Do you truly have the capacity? Especially in the larger scheme of your life, is the balance tipped all the way towards doing things for others, while there isn’t enough time, energy, and/or space left over for you?

3.     Saying yes is not necessarily always good for the other individual;

4.     Even more important, saying yes is not necessarily good for the RELATIONSHIP.  *See paradox above.  The intention may be that you are saying yes to preserve the relationship, but the outcome may end in you feeling resentful, and ultimately destroy the relationship.

5.     It’s OK to say no. Period. End of story; actually, there is no story; no explanation is needed.

6.     Even extremely kind compassionate leaders say no sometimes.  Saying no clears the path to say yes and build consistency and trust in a relationship.

7.     Check your body; what is it saying? When you get that anxiety drop in your stomach and your thoughts start spinning, your body is trying to get your attention.

8.     Pause next time this comes up; ask yourself if you really want to.

9.     And lastly, and just as important (if not the most important), check to see what emotions are there. Are you feeling anxious, guilty, sad, frustrated?

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Cognitive Defusion: How Thanking Your Mind for Its Worst Thoughts Can Help You Get Some Distance

By Annabelle Mebane, MA, AMFT

In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, the overall goal of our work is to help clients increase what we call psychological flexibility, which is basically the ability to do what matters most to you in your life no matter what uncomfortable thoughts and feelings show up.

One of the skills we teach to help people respond more effectively to their thoughts is called “Cognitive Defusion.”

Our default mode is to take our thoughts at face value and to believe that they are true and important. Like a fish doesn’t know it’s in water, we don’t typically notice that we are thinking. We are so accustomed to looking out the lens of our own thoughts that we forget to recognize we’re wearing glasses at all, and that there might be more than one way to see things.

Cognitive defusion is the ability to notice that we are having a thought –

that our mind is “languaging” about our experience. Defusion involves creating a little bit of space that allows us to recognize that just because our mind thought it, doesn’t necessarily make it true or important. Why should we make that space? Because if we can recognize a thought for what it is – words our mind is generating – we can make a choice about how we want to respond to it. Instead of automatically buying into our thoughts or viewing them as directives or imperatives, we can tune in to our values – who and how we most hope to be in a given moment – and decide whether listening to a particular thought and behaving accordingly is going to move us toward or away from our valued direction.

There are a whole bunch of exercises

that we use in ACT to help you learn how to defuse from your thoughts. One of them goes like this. First, you state the thought exactly as your mind has it. For example, “if I go out on this date, I’m going to embarrass myself.” Then you pause, and notice what it’s like to sit with the thought. Next, you preface the thought with “I’m having the thought that…[thought]”, and notice what it’s like to sit with that. Finally, you preface it with “I’m noticing that I’m having the thought that….”, and tune in to what that’s like.

And then you can decide, do you want to listen to that thought, and stay home and avoid the possibility of being embarrassed because it feels more comfortable? Or are you someone who wants to be open, vulnerable, and show up anyways because it’s meaningful to you to try to find a fulfilling connection, even if it’s a risk?

Notice that when we are ‘defusing,’ we aren’t getting caught by the content of the thought, trying to prove or disprove it.

We are simply creating enough distance to allow us to choose how we want to respond.

But here’s the thing, sometimes it feels pretty hard to get that distance and to make a choice based on values.

Why? Because sometimes, or maybe even usually, the stickiest and most painful thoughts our minds have are designed to try to protect us from something painful. And probably, it kind of works. If we continue with the above example, your mind might be trying to protect you from the pain of rejection or disconnection. And yeah, if you stay home, you get the relief of know you can’t embarrass yourself and you can’t get rejected. But the thing is, if you avoid going out on any dates because you might get rejected or feel embarrassed, you are almost certainly also going to miss out on the possibility of a really meaningful connection.

The thing about pain is that it doesn’t show up around stuff that doesn’t matter to us; it shows up around the things that we care most deeply about.

On the flip side of our pain, we can usually find our most cherished values.

Your mind comes up with these painful stories to try to prevent you from feeling pain or loss around the things that matter to you, but a lot of times, when we listen to those stories, that’s what keeps us from accessing the richness of moving toward what really matters.

So for those especially sticky thoughts that seem so powerful and that are really deeply painful, sometimes the best defusion tactic is pretty counterintuitive.

Instead of beating yourself up for having such self-critical thoughts, you can actually thank your mind. You can thank it for trying to help you and for trying to protect you, and then you can let it know that you are going to take it from here.

It sounds nuts to thank your mind for telling you that you are weird or a failure or incompetent or unworthy or too sensitive, but when we meet our pain with compassion, understanding that our minds are just trying their best to do their job and keep us safe, we sometimes can start to take away the power of that really painful story and get just enough space from it to decide to respond based on something other than the avoidance of pain.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Anxiety Is Like A Metal Detector

By Annabelle Parr

I spend a lot of time reading articles related to enhancing mental health, to highlight and repost relevant pieces, as I value spreading awareness in this area. It’s wonderful that the conversation around mental health and anxiety is more open than it used to be, reminding us that our struggles are deeply human and we are not alone. But one thing I notice is that sometimes the way anxiety is discussed – even with the utmost compassion, can still imply that anxiety is bad. 

Don’t get me wrong; anxiety can lead to problems in our lives. Anxiety can turn into a full blown anxiety disorder, and by definition, anxiety disorders cause significant distress and impairment in a person’s life. And even if we are not in the realm of a full blown anxiety disorder, it can be very uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that sometimes we make choices designed to avoid or get rid of anxiety at the expense of what matters to us.

It’s true that anxiety, and the way that we respond to it, can be a problem.

However, I think when we focus exclusively on the negative parts of anxiety, we are missing a big piece of the picture that can empower us to change how we relate and respond to it. Anxiety – like any feeling – is information. And most of the time, at least part of that information has to do with what is most important to us in our lives.

For example, if someone experiences a lot of social anxiety and fear of judgement, what might that say about what matters to them? It might mean that they deeply value connection and relationships. Maybe it is really important to them to show up in their relationships as kind, compassionate, engaged and authentic, and maybe the anxiety has to do with worrying that something they could say or do will be incongruent with those values.

The problem with anxiety occurs when we take our anxious thoughts at face value,

and when our behavior is driven not by our values, but by trying to avoid the feared outcomes our minds generate. For example, social anxiety might involve thoughts like “I can’t go to that party. What if I make a fool of myself or say something stupid or am too anxious to even talk, and my friends don’t want to hang out with me anymore?” Such thoughts can feel very real and powerful, and our instinct is not usually to get curious about what they might indicate about what is important to us.

Instead, our instinct is often to think that outcome is likely, and to decide to stay home from the party to avoid anxiety and try to prevent rejection. But if instead, we can notice that thought, get curious about why it is visiting us and what it says about what is matters to us, we might recognize that in fact we deeply value connection. So much so that it feels excruciating to risk the possibility of rejection. And yet, in not going to the party, we are certainly missing an opportunity for the connection we so deeply crave.

When we can identify the values underneath the anxiety, we then get a choice about what to do next.

Getting curious about our values and what is really meaningful to us in our lives then allows us to identify actions that would move us in our valued direction. For example, you could choose to go to the party even though you are feeling anxious in service of your value of connection, or you could choose to stay home in order to experience relief from the anxiety.

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective, our pain and our values are like two sides of the same coin: if we flip the pain coin over, we find what means the most to us in our lives. Or, as one of my clients said, anxiety is like a metal detector: when it starts beeping and getting loud, it means there is treasure under the surface, and that treasure is your values.

Sometimes it can take some curiosity and creativity to get to the core of what the value is, because anxiety can be sneaky and tricky and it’s not always immediately apparent. But if we can look at anxiety as important information, it can help us change how we relate to it. We don’t need to make it go away, we just need to figure out what really matters to us and make choices toward our values.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

What If Everything You Know About Anxiety Is Wrong?

By Annabelle Parr, MA, AMFT

When we experience anxiety, our minds are really good at coming up with all kinds of “what if” thoughts. And those worried thoughts often deal in extremes and absolutes, like the title of this post.  

Good news: it’s unlikely that everything you know about anxiety is wrong.

If you’ve ever experienced anxiety, at the very least you know what it feels like in your mind and your body. But it is possible that some of what you’ve learned about anxiety is not workable (that is, it doesn’t move you toward the kind of life you want to live).

Anxiety in the information age:

These days, the internet is filled with articles and podcasts discussing stress, anxiety, and self-care. It is so important to make information accessible and to talk openly about the difficult and painful parts of being a human. When we are suffering, knowing that we are not alone in our experience can make all the difference.

As much as it is wonderful that these topics are getting so much air time, the way we talk about them matters.

As anxiety is a rather hot topic these days, we decided to bust some of the common myths that, though well intentioned, can actually keep us stuck.

Myth #1: You can self-care your way out of anxiety.

There is a fair amount of content out there that sends the message that if you just take enough bubble baths, do enough yoga, or drink enough herbal tea, your anxiety will finally go away. Or that if you’re ever going to get a handle on your anxiety, you have to eat healthy, get good sleep, and exercise regularly. None of those activities are bad or wrong, and they can help us feel good.

But when we engage in a behavior (ANY behavior – even “healthy” behaviors) where the purpose is to control or avoid our internal experience, we may paradoxically find ourselves even more stuck. Our anxiety might go away momentarily, but we may find that in the long term (or even in the middle of downward dog) our anxiety actually gets more powerful. And then when anxiety doesn’t go away, we think that we are doing self-care wrong, or worse, that there is something wrong with us since it’s not working. Cue cycle of chugging herbal tea and feeling anxious about the fact that we are still feeling anxious. 

Myth #2: If you just got the hang of positive thinking, you’d be anxiety-free.

If positive thinking works for you, helps you cope, and allows you to be the person you most want to be, carry on. But if it doesn’t, you are not alone. When I am at my most anxious or upset, trying to convince myself to believe a more positive thought often makes me feel worse. I might be able to come up with a more positive thought, but then I just feel frustrated that I can’t make myself believe it. Research supports that trying to suppress our thoughts can actually increase the frequency and intensity of the very thought we are trying to avoid.  

While traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works on helping people to engage in more balanced thinking (NOT unrealistically optimistic positive thinking), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help us change our relationship to our thoughts. Our thoughts, after all, are just words. Sometimes they have helpful information to share, but they aren’t always great at communicating it to us. 

Myth #3: You need your anxiety to go away before you can do the things that matter to you.

Anxiety is good at convincing us that we can’t or shouldn’t do things that matter to us until we feel less anxious. But the best antidote to anxiety is doing what matters to you even when anxiety is at its loudest. Because here’s the thing: anxiety typically shows up around the things that you care most about. So if you wait for anxiety to go away before you go after the life you want or before you show up as the kind of person you want to be, you may end up waiting forever.

So is your anxiety coping skills toolkit workable?

Workable simply means: does this behavior help you move in the direction of your values (who and how you want to be in the world) and does it have a cost to you? So if you have a stellar self-care routine that helps you feel more present, engaged and able to show up in your life as the person you want to be, keep doing your thing. And if positive thinking has helped you live a more meaningful, fulfilling life, keep it up.

But if you find that you are trying to control your anxiety and make it go away, and instead it just keeps getting more powerful, more intense, and more uncomfortable as your life gets smaller and more restricted, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) may help. ACT is designed to help you change your relationship to anxiety and help you develop psychological flexibility: the ability to do what matters to you no matter what.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

A Lesson on Living Life to Its Fullest

by Shoshana Shea, Ph.D.

“You must defeat your reason before you can start” – Patrick Star

If you want to live life to the fullest, it’s not about forgetting all your troubles and checking out, it’s about slowing down, checking in, and recognizing you have choices. One of the greatest examples of this came from the imagination of Stephen Hillenburg, “SpongeBob Squarepants” show creator, and his writers. The character is Larry the Lobster; the name of the episode, “A Life in a Day.” As I watched that episode for the 100th time, I was thinking more about Larry’s secret to living life to the fullest; he pronounces, “You got to take risks. Live on the edge…by living each day like it was your last.” Larry goes on to say, “By livin’ like, me, Larry!” 

Living life to the fullest does NOT mean that we should try to ignore all our fears and worries.

Patrick The Starfish, states, “This is the moment where we redeem our miserable lives,” and decides that he must live moment to moment and find the most dangerous of feats; then he will truly be living! To Patrick, ‘Living life to the fullest’ seems to mean that we should try to forget reality and just live without regard for the long-term consequences. I think many of us can relate to that idea, that we wish to live completely free of fear and shut off our worries like a faucet. If only it were that easy! Patrick pronounces, “You must defeat your reason before you can start.” This is my absolute favorite line! It can sound so appealing to ignore that voice in our head that urges us to be cautious and go the opposite direction. But as appealing as it might sound to have no fear, as Patrick discovers, this can have pretty big consequences.

Cautious isn’t necessarily the same as stagnant or boring…

While Patrick is out thrill-seeking within inches of his life, Spongebob interprets living a full life to mean not taking any risks at all. He embodies that voice in our head that tells us to stay firmly planted inside our comfort zone. That familiar voice which can paralyze us, and which can make life stagnant, boring, and small.

Moving towards our values is not easy; otherwise we’d all be doing it!

When we are heading in a direction that is deeply meaningful to us (TOWARDS our values), we have to remember that the short-term is usually not easy at all. When we are moving AWAY from our valued direction, the short-term is usually a relief and can be enthralling at first. What we later find out is, ultimately, an AWAY move reveals that the hard stuff is still there and there are usually negative consequences to whatever method of avoidance we chose in the first place: Drinking excessively, overeating, acting impulsively, reckless thrill seeking (like Patrick), or staying well within our comfort zone (like Spongebob), etc. 

Mindfulness is a useful tool to help us move towards are values.

Mindfulness is often misunderstood to mean that we are only “allowed” to be in the present moment, and not think too much, or to not think at all, about the future. Being mindful is about non-judgmentally NOTICING and having awareness of what we are thinking, feeling, and experiencing, while we are in the present moment. For example, if we are aware that we are feeling sad about our work situation, we can notice the physiological sensations that arise, any other emotions that might be present, and any thoughts that emerge. We can make deliberate decisions about the direction of our life based on these observations. Mindfulness helps us stay the course. It can help bring us back if we have strayed or feel stuck. Contrary to Patrick’s version of “living in the moment,” it’s not about making quick, impulsive, reckless decisions and remaining cut off from our thoughts and emotions. After all, our thoughts and feelings can have really important information for us. Opposite of Patrick: Slow down.

Once we recognize thoughts that help us to move towards what’s meaningful, we have choices about our actions.

A mindfulness tool we use in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), is to look at whether our thoughts and actions are serving the function of moving us TOWARDS our values or are they moving us AWAY from what’s most meaningful. Often life throws up some curve balls. We can decide how we are going to relate to those barriers and take action. For example, using the example from above, if we notice we are unhappy at work, we might start researching other job opportunities, setting up informational interviews, and continuing to show up to work every day (all examples of TOWARDS moves), rather than quitting the next day (an example of an AWAY move), and putting ourselves in a bad position.

What will you decide?

At the end of the episode, Patrick has convinced Spongebob that really living is about engaging in a series of dangerous acts. As they are heading towards their demise, Larry saves them, but only after they are all severely injured. Larry chides them as they are heading towards the sharp rocks, “Look guys, my advice wasn’t meant to be taken literally, I meant to live life to the fullest; not to maim yourselves!” So what will you decide? To live like Patrick and “defeat your reason before you can start;” to live like Spongebob, and not take any chances or go outside your comfort zone; or to live like Larry…where risk is absolutely encouraged but in a calculated deliberate manner?

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Feeling Guilty for Having Feelings?

By Annabelle Parr, MA, AMFT 

The past five months have been painful, and as our world has turned upside down, it makes sense that we may have felt some combination of anxiety, fear, sadness, depression, grief, frustration, and/or anger during this time. Despite the fact that we are in the midst of a global pandemic, our minds are really good at dismissing our very legitimate pain by coming up with all kinds of stories about how things “could be worse,” or how we “should be grateful” for what we have when others are struggling or have struggled more than us.

Perhaps the only thing that can make pain hurt more is feeling guilty for having it.

It goes without saying that pain hurts. And our minds, designed to protect us and keep us safe, want to problem solve our way out of emotions that hurt. So our minds begin to tell us these stories about our pain and how we shouldn’t have it, in hopes that it can be avoided or controlled. But do these stories truly help us move through our pain more effectively? Do they help us show up to this moment as the kind of person we want to be in the world?

Let’s start with the “it could be worse” story.

It is probably true that things could be worse.

But pain isn’t meant to be compared. Someone always has a more painful or uncomfortable situation, and if we want to compare our pain to that of others, we will find no shortage of suffering. Just because someone else has it worse, that doesn’t mean our pain is insignificant. 

And here’s the thing: we are in the middle of a PANDEMIC.

That’s really hard. It means we are all dealing with some sort of loss. And yes, some losses are bigger or more painful or permanent, but loss is loss and it hurts no matter how big or seemingly small. So yes, perhaps it could be worse. But that doesn’t mean this isn’t painful. 

What about the “we should be grateful” story? Isn’t it good to be grateful and think positive?

Gratitude is a beautiful thing, but it cannot exist without pain.

Contrary to what our minds may tell us, gratitude and pain are not mutually exclusive. In fact, they are inextricably intertwined. Because in order to experience gratitude, we have to value and care about the person or thing for which we are grateful. And we only feel pain around the things that we care about and value. So when we squelch our pain, we squelch our capacity to care, and we also deny ourselves access to gratitude.

Plus, gratitude loses its goodness when it’s used as a punishment for pain.

Using gratitude as a way to try to chastise ourselves out of our pain (“You should be grateful! Don’t you know it could be worse?”) is unlikely to be effective. The more we try to control our emotions, the more entrenched they become. Not only does this strategy tend to be ineffective, it also warps gratitude from something beautiful and meaningful to a punishment for having legitimate emotions.

It’s not pain OR gratitude. It’s pain AND gratitude.

Rather than using “it could be worse, you should be grateful” stories to try to guilt ourselves out of having any anxiety, anger, pain, or grief, we can let our pain exist, acknowledging that emotions are not problems to solve. They simply are. AND we can also intentionally choose to pay attention to what is good in our lives.  We can even use our pain to help guide our focus toward what is important to us. For example, if I am grieving the loss of hugging loved ones, I can also connect with gratitude for having family that live near me. It’s both/and, not either/or.

Gratitude is an action, as much as it is a feeling.

When we are in the middle of a wave of sadness or anxiety over this whole situation, we might not feel particularly grateful. However, we can still choose to act in a manner that expresses gratitude to those we love or appreciate. We can write thank you notes to our doctors or healthcare workers, or we can call our parents or grandparents, or we can choose to say thank you to the grocery workers in the checkout line.

None of this erases our pain, nor is it meant to do so.

Instead, it simply connects us with what matters, and helps us to show up in our lives and relationships in a manner consistent with the kind of person we want to be. It helps us be present for the goodness so that the important things don’t pass us by. And it is a reminder that our current emotional state does not control or define who we are, and we do not have to control our emotions in order to choose our actions.

So if you are not feeling grateful (or whatever you think you “should” be feeling), that’s okay.

If you value expressing gratitude, you can choose to take actions consistent with this value whether you feel grateful or not. You get to decide what you do. But you cannot force yourself to feel or not feel something. So give yourself grace, and remind yourself that even if it could be worse, that doesn’t mean this shouldn’t hurt.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Five Tips to Tackle Perfectionism and Engage with What Really Matters

By Annabelle Parr

Perfection. On the surface, perfection sounds, well…perfect. A worthy aspiration. Perfection is to be without flaw, and reducing flaws sounds like a pretty solid goal. Right? For those of us who have dealt with perfectionism, we know firsthand that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Far from making us our best selves, perfectionism can trap us in feelings of shame, guilt, low-self esteem, anxiety, and never ending stories in our minds about how and why we are not good enough. It can cause us to limit our choices and keep our lives small in order to avoid risking failure, and thus the tumult of pain that would follow. Far from making life feel perfect, perfectionism can leave us feeling empty and lonely. 

Filtering Out Flaws and The Trap of Social Comparison

In the age of social media, it is more tempting than ever to look at the perfectly filtered moments of other peoples’ lives and to feel like your life is the only one that is anything less than picture perfect (even during a pandemic!). When you compare your lowest moments to everyone else’s shiniest ones, your biggest flops to everyone else’s top ten hits, your worst failures to everyone else’s greatest achievements, your #nofilter to everyone else at their most coiffed, you are bound to feel like there is something wrong with you.

Social media facilitates an instant internal comparison of you at your very worst to others at their absolute best. When we buy into the idea that life should always look and feel Instagramable, we are setting ourselves us for disappointment. But perfectionism has been around far longer than Facebook, so let’s look at it more closely. Why is it so tempting to compare ourselves to others and pursue perfection as if it were possible?

Perfection = Happiness ?

It’s easy to equate striving for perfection with striving for happiness, something our culture loves to sell to us as the ultimate goal. At every turn, we are told that it is our job to be happy. Quite literally. If you are not a perpetually happy employee, partner, parent, friend, etc. you *must* be doing something wrong. Somewhere along the line, you must have messed up. 

But here’s the rub: happiness is an emotion, and like any other emotion, it is fleeting. No matter how apparently perfect your life is, you will still experience the full range of human emotion, including frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, joy, excitement, and awe. There is no perfecting our way out of our emotions.

In fact, the more that we believe we must be perfect, the more likely we are to feel that we are failing and the more likely we are to be caught in uncomfortable emotions about how we don’t measure up to our own impossibly high standards. We are less likely to recognize our successes because *spoiler alert* they have not launched us into the untouchable perfect zone. Far from making us perpetually happy, a desire to be perfect is a surefire way to create extra unpleasant feelings.

Perfection = Growth ?

It’s also easy to confuse striving for perfection with striving for growth or improvement. And sure, if you are constantly beating yourself up about all the things that are wrong with you and all the ways that you are screwing up, you and your growing edges might be quite familiar. OR…

Maybe you are so petrified of being imperfect that you can’t actually examine where you have room for growth. You know you’re not perfect, but you have no concrete sense of how you want to grow because it is too excruciating to reflect on where you feel you are not measuring up. 

Scenario number two: you are busting your butt hard every day. You are exhausted and burnt out, yet no matter how much you check off your how-to-be-perfect-to-do-list, somehow the list just keeps growing. No achievement or improvement seems to make a dent towards the elusive end game of perfection.

Scenario number three: you are so paralyzed with fear of imperfection that you can’t make any choices at all. Terrified to make the wrong decision, risk making a mistake or even worse, failing, you choose not to choose. Far from perfect, life feels stagnant.

So if trying to be perfect doesn’t make us happy and doesn’t guarantee us growth, what’s the point?

Before you start beating yourself up for your perfectionistic tendencies, consider why you are so determined to be perfect in the first place. Even if it is a thwarted, misguided attempt, it probably makes some sense or else perfectionism wouldn’t be such a prevalent strategy.

Maybe your desire for perfection is a desire for belonging: somewhere along the way, you developed the belief that in order to be loved and to connect with others, you had to be flawless. Or maybe it is a desire to have a life that is rich with joy: you want a life filled with that which fills up your soul. Or maybe you find it fulfilling to strive to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. You have been striving to be perfect because you are trying the best way you know how to fulfill a deep need or desire. In other words, even though the strategy you are using has some pretty big costs, it makes sense.

What are the costs of perfectionism?

In order to redirect our energy toward a more workable strategy for engaging in life, first let’s consider the costs of trying to be perfect. They might include, but are certainly not limited to: missing out on the joy of life’s sweet moments and triumphs; saying no to opportunities for fear of failure; low self-esteem; inauthenticity leading to disconnection in the service of appearing perfect; burnout from taking on too much all the time; perpetual anxiety and shame; stagnation; and/or decreased sense of well-being. We become limited by an unattainable standard and life gets smaller and more restricted as we try to squeeze it into the perfect little box we have constructed in our minds about how it should be.

So what is the alternative?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective, perfectionism is at its core psychological inflexibility. The alternative, then, is to cultivate psychological flexibility. How? 

1. You are not your thoughts.

First, we defuse ourselves from our “not good enough” stories. Every time our mind generates a thought about how we are failing or how we might fail or how we have failed and are now somehow unworthy, we remind ourselves that this is our mind trying to protect us and also that this thought is just a thought. We – at our very core – are more than the contents of our minds in any given moment. Our thoughts are not the whole truth about who we are or about the reality of a situation.

In her new book, Be Mighty: A Woman’s Guide to Liberation from Anxiety, Worry & Stress Using Mindfulness and Acceptance, Dr. Jill Stoddard suggests we give our inner critic a name in order to defuse – get some space from – the judgements it generates. Then, when the Critic pipes up with some new version of the “not good enough” story, we can relate to them as if they were a well-meaning friend. We can thank them for their input and desire to help protect us or motivate us, and then we can connect with what matters in this moment.

2. Pause for presence.

How do we connect with what matters in this moment when we are caught in painful emotions? We get present to what is. As Dr. Shea says, take a breath and tune in to this “painful present moment.” Identify the emotions you are experiencing and get curious about the unmet need or desire underlying your feelings.

3. Let your values guide your choices.

If we look back to the needs or desires beneath our efforts to be perfect, we can start to get a sense for our values. For example, bring to mind an area of your life in which it feels particularly important to be perfect. Now consider what this says about what is important to you. What domains of your life feel most important? If you were your ideal self in each of those contexts, who and how would you be?

For example, if it is important to you to be a perfect parent, that probably means that you value your relationship with your kids. Or if it feels important to be the perfect employee or student, that probably means that your work is important to you. Now what qualities do you want to bring to these areas of your life? Our values aren’t goals that we meet, but they describe the way that we want to be in the world. For example, maybe you want to be a loving, compassionate, present, engaged parent. Or maybe you want to be a hard-working, conscientious, ambitious employee or student.

Here is the wonderful part about connecting with our values: we get to choose on a moment by moment basis what it looks like to act in a way that is consistent with who we want to be. And here is the beautiful thing – there is no end goal. You never achieve your values permanently. They are qualities of being you can bring to any moment. And when you fail to act consistently with your values in one moment (because you will), what matters is what you choose to do in the moment following.

4. If you want to live in line with your values, you have to be willing to have discomfort.

When we are caught in needing to be perfect, it tends to be excruciating to recognize when we fall short (often). This is partially because our desire for perfection shows up in the areas of life that matter to us. Making moment by moment choices in line with our values rather than in line with a goal of perfection does not spare us discomfort. Those areas of life still matter to us and it still will hurt when we fall short of acting in line with our values, even if we have defused from our desire to be perfect.

An important piece of the puzzle is that we must be willing to have uncomfortable feelings. We can’t take away the anxiety, sadness, anger, fear, or pain that are inevitable parts of being human. In fact, those feelings often point directly toward something that we care deeply about, and if we were able to rid ourselves of those emotions we would also have to get rid of the joy, love, happiness, and awe that come from connecting with what and who is important to us.

5. Finally, get present to what is.

One of the biggest costs of perfectionism is that we lose touch with the sweetness of life. We are so caught in wanting it to be perfect all the time, that we miss the bliss of both the big and small moments that come pretty darn close. When our minds are frantically searching for something wrong, we miss out on experiencing everything that might be so right. The point of being mindful and present is not to be happy all the time, but it is to bring nonjudgmental attention to what is in this moment. When we are truly present, we free ourselves up to make more deliberate decisions about how to act. We are more conscious of our thoughts and feelings, and we are more likely to catch the sweet little moments that brighten and enrich our lives.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” – John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck said it so well when he said, “and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” The ACT perspective would say, and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can live a life that is guided by what truly matters. You are free to connect with what is important to you and learn to live in line with who you want to be. When we need life to be perfect, we drain it of vitality. When we give ourselves the freedom to be imperfect, we free ourselves up to connect with who we want to be and what truly matters most.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Therapy in the Time of COVID-19 and Shelter in Place: What is Teletherapy?

By Annabelle Parr

During this incredibly stressful time of COVID-19, we are having to make major life adjustments.  With the new shelter in place restrictions, you might wonder whether psychotherapy is still an option available to you. The short answer is yes!

Telehealth, also known as video conferencing or online therapy, has been available long before COVID-19, and is an important alternative to in person care.

Traditionally, therapy is done in person. However, with the emergence of new technologies, there have been an increasing number of telehealth / video conferencing options and platforms emerging and available in the mental health field over the last decade. This means that not only do we have the infrastructure available to offer confidential, HIPAA compliant virtual therapy, but also that there is already plenty of research on telehealth and its efficacy in mental health treatment.

Prior to coronavirus, teletherapy expanded access to care to individuals who were not able to get to a therapist’s office, whether that was due to scheduling difficulties or a lack of mental health care options in their community. Now, shelter in place poses a barrier to accessing in person care for all of us. Thus, telehealth via video conferencing offers convenient access to care for everyone as we are required to stay at home as much as possible.

How effective is telemental health care?

According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, “from a large body of research we know that telemental health leads to high patient and provider satisfaction ratings and achieves health outcomes equivalent to in-person care across all diagnostic groups” (Yellowlees, 2020). So as long as the client is willing to engage in therapy virtually and is not an extreme risk to themselves or others, research shows that telemental health is as effective as in person treatment.

How does virtual therapy work?

Typically, telehealth involves video conferencing with your therapist using a secure, HIPAA compliant platform. No extra equipment or complicated applications are required.  Clients can use their smartphones or a laptop computer with a built-in camera. Therapists are able to offer telehealth services to patients located in the state in which they are licensed. So a therapist licensed in and practicing in California is able to offer teletherapy services to patients located in the state of California. Though not all therapists were offering telehealth options prior to COVID-19, given the current situation, many have adjusted their practices to offer video counseling options to patients in need.

What should you look for in a telehealth provider?

The same things you would look for in a therapist you would see in person: you want to ensure that the therapist you choose has expertise in the areas in which you are seeking treatment for, and you want to make sure the therapist feels like a good fit for you personally. One thing we know for sure is that the quality of the therapist-client relationship is the most important factor in producing successful treatment outcomes across settings, in-person or online. This means that in order for therapy to be effective, you have to have a solid trusting rapport with your therapist. Assuming those two conditions are present, telehealth is likely to be just as effective as working with the same therapist in person.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Mindfulness, and Telemental Health Services. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

Navigating Romantic Relationships During COVID-19

by Annabelle Parr

One of the many challenges presented by COVID-19 is the way it has altered how we are permitted to relate to one another. Required to maintain distance between ourselves and others, we are allowed out of our homes only for essential business and errands, or to take walks or runs as long as we keep at least six feet between ourselves and those we pass. Initially this six feet rule was termed “social distancing,” but experts have proposed that we shift our terminology to “physical distancing.” While this may seem like a trivial shift, it speaks to the importance of relational connection and reminds us that we must keep a physical distance from one another, not an emotional one.

Humans are inherently social creatures; we evolved in a context that dictated that connection and cooperation with the group was vital to our survival. So what a strange situation we find ourselves in where, for our collective wellbeing, we must put physical distance between ourselves and others. Paradoxically, you may find that this new paradigm is helping you to reconnect with friends and loved ones you rarely spoke with prior, taking advantage of the technologies that allow us to see one another even when you are not in the same room, city, or even country. You may also be finding that this shift has thrown new, challenging, unprecedented and unexpected variables into your romantic relationship. Whether you are dating, in a committed relationship, or married, COVID-19 has altered our daily lives in such a way that it is bound to impact our relational lives.

Dating during coronavirus

If you were dating prior to the COVID-19 outbreak, it may feel difficult to know how to proceed. With so many options for online dating and dating apps, the dating landscape has changed dramatically over the last decade, even prior to coronavirus. However, while these apps may help you find and connect with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, typically, the dating itself has still involved actually meeting in person. For the time being, meeting in person is not an option.

But what if you are still interested in dating, meeting new people, and pursuing connection? If it is important to you to continue dating during this time, there are options available to you if you are willing to be flexible and creative. Rather than going out on dates, you can opt for talking on the phone, setting up a video call happy hour, or even a Netflix Party to share in a favorite TV show or movie together.

It’s also important to know that there is no pressure. If meeting for the first time through your computer screen does not sound like something that is in line with your values at this moment in time, that’s okay. Give yourself permission to take a break and know that this is temporary. Tune in to what matters to you and what you need to do to take care of yourself during this time.

Relationships during coronavirus

Maybe you are already in a committed relationship. If you do not live with your partner, you may have found that suddenly it feels like you are in a long distance relationship. Depending on any number of variables (from whether you or your partner lives with others, whether their roommates are still working outside the home, etc.), you may not be able to see each other or connect using any form of physical touch right now.

If, on the other hand, you are living together or have chosen to quarantine together, you are likely now spending near 24/7 in the same space together. This can present its own set of challenges. As much as we love our partners, as relationship expert Esther Perel noted, “our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” And it can be hard to find that separateness during shelter in place.

Marriage and/or children during coronavirus

If you are married and/or raising children with your partner, not only are you and your partner now together 24/7, but the kids are home as well. Trying to navigate working from home and homeschooling children on top of everything else presents a lot of new variables to manage as a couple and family.

Tips for tending to your relationship during coronavirus

Whether coronavirus has meant that you and your partner cannot see each other in person, or whether it means that you are now almost constantly together, connection and communication are crucial for navigating this time together. Here are some tips for maintaining a loving, balanced relationship during COVID-19:

1. Acknowledge and have self-compassion for your emotions. Allow yourself to have your feelings. Be gentle with yourself and know that however you are feeling is okay. When we are willing to have our feelings and to be compassionate to ourselves in the midst of pain and struggle, we are able to make deliberate choices about how we communicate and behave that are in line with the type of person and partner we want to be. When we are unwilling to have our feelings, or we are unkind to ourselves, our emotions may find unhelpful ways of leaking out and may come to covertly control our reactions.

2. Clearly state your feelings and your needs. Our partners are not mind readers, nor should they be. We are all individuals with unique feelings and needs, and we can best support each other when we are each clear about what helps us to feel safe and loved. I-statements provide a useful template for communicating your feelings and needs clearly (I feel [x] when [y], and I need [z]).

3. Give your partner space and compassion to process and experience their emotions. Know that it’s totally normal for each of us to feel and think differently about this situation. You and your partner may have different needs, feelings, and opinions, and just as it is important that you allow yourself to have your experience, it’s important that your partner has the space to have their experience as well. In any given moment, one of you may feel anxious about all the uncertainty, while the other may feel grateful for time to slow down; one of you may want to be productive, while the other may be exhausted. One of you may want to be as informed as possible and process the information aloud, while the other may want to watch Netflix and only update as necessary.  

4. Work together to creatively support each other. You may have different needs during all of this, and that can be hard to manage. Carve out time to meet each other’s needs and find ways to compromise. For example, those in long distance scenarios may find one partner is craving a FaceTime date, while the other wants to ditch their screens for a while having been glued to them all day while telecommuting. Plan a time for a screen date to maintain connection, and also plan out some time for a screen detox.  

5. Stay connected with friends and family. Romantic relationships are not meant to function like islands; yet when we are stuck in the same space for weeks on end, it can start to feel like we are literally stuck on an island together. Make sure to reach out for support and connection with friends and family during this time. Having a wider net for support in times of stress is crucial.

6. Strike a balance between connection and separation. If you are in a long distance scenario, you may be craving more connection. If you are quarantining together, you may be craving more separateness. (Though of course the reverse can be true in either scenario as well). It is important to find time to connect, share our emotions, needs, and experiences, and be together, and it is equally important to have some space to ourselves, to read or engage in personally enjoyed activities, or catch up with other loved ones. Being intentional with our time and space, and honoring our own and our partner’s need for both connection and separateness can help us to strike a balance.

7. Laugh together. Humor can be so healing during times of stress. Finding things to laugh about together can help us bond and help defuse some of the tension we may be feeling. Whether this involves watching funny videos or shows together, playing silly games, or just finding the humor in little moments, laughter really is good medicine. It might sound hard to laugh during such a stressful time, but it’s important to seek out something that brings us a little joy and levity.

8. Connect with gratitude. This does not mean you are not allowed to feel anxious or sad or angry or exhausted about this massive upheaval. However, pausing to mindfully appreciate small joys or victories can help shift our perspective, even if just for a moment, and can help us to weather the storm with more resilience. See if you can notice the things that you are grateful for in your partner, the little moments with them that you cherish. Try to connect with something you are grateful for each day, whether it has to do with your relationship or not.

9. Utilize the tools available to you. We are still able to go outside, breathe in fresh air, take walks or go on a run. And thankfully we live in a time in which we have a whole host of technology available to us that allows us to stay connected in ways never before possible. None of this is an ideal situation, but don’t forget to utilize what is available to you to help create balance in your life and relationship where possible.

10. Seek professional support. If you are experiencing stress, anxiety, trauma, or depression that is impacting your ability to function effectively in your relationship (or any other important area of your life), professional support is available. Many therapists, including Dr. Shea, are offering telehealth services to clients during shelter in place. Telehealth or teletherapy typically involves conducting sessions via a videoconferencing platform or over the phone, and studies have shown telehealth to be as effective as in person therapy. It is okay to ask for help, and help is still available to you.

Relationships can be challenging even in the best of times, and as we face this totally unprecedented global stressor, expect that it will present some new challenges to your relationship. As much as it is a time filled with stress, anxiety, and fear, this is also an opportunity to develop resilience and skills to navigate situations full of uncertainty. Rest in the knowledge that this is a period of trial and adjustment for us all, and be gentle with yourself, your partner, and all of your loved ones.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Mindfulness, and Telemental Health Services. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

The Way We Use Mindfulness Matters

By Annabelle Parr

It seems like mindfulness is everywhere these days. In recent years, it has exploded on the scene as the seemingly catch-all cure for a whole host of problems, supposedly promising to address mental health concerns, decrease stress, improve performance at work, and make you a better parent. Its benefits are touted across the internet – from business sites like Forbes and Fast Company, to wellness sites like the Huffington Post, to inspirational sites like Upworthy.

It’s true that practicing mindfulness can benefit us in all sorts of ways, showing not only benefits to our mind and our mood, but to our overall physiological health as well. However, when something is subjected to as much hype as mindfulness has been, sometimes in all the air time, it can get watered down and potentially misrepresented. Depending on how we talk about mindfulness and how we choose to apply it to our struggles and our lives, mindfulness can be a huge help or it can become one more well-disguised attempt at avoiding and controlling discomfort.

So what actually is mindfulness?

Mindfulness has a long and rich history rooted in Eastern philosophy traditions, which have acknowledged its benefits for centuries. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, was a trail blazer in integrating an understanding of mindfulness into the Western conception of health. He defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Meditation is an example of a mindful exercise, but mindfulness can be practiced in any moment during any activity – one of the reasons it is so appealing and accessible as a means of promoting wellbeing.

Sounds ideal, right? You can practice it anytime, anywhere! The key to a stress free life is available to you in any moment! Well…not exactly.

 As Steven C. Hayes (2019) pointed out in his new book, A Liberated Mind, “it matters what mindfulness is for.” Why are we choosing to practice mindfulness? Based on any number of headlines and articles you read online, it sounds like practicing mindfulness is about getting rid of discomfort and stress. But thinking about it this way can actually make things worse! As Carl Jung noted, what we resist persists. The more we try to escape, avoid, or control our emotions, the stronger they tend to get. What’s more, when all our energy is devoted to controlling discomfort, our lives become increasingly restricted as our choices are dictated by what we are not willing to feel. When mindfulness becomes one more tool to escape or control uncomfortable experiences, it can end up fueling the same cycle that gets us caught in suffering.

So if it’s not about getting rid of stress, why should we bother being mindful?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, mindfulness helps make our lives richer and more meaningful. It does not guarantee freedom from discomfort. But it does offer us a new way to meet our pain. When we connect to the here and now rather than getting caught in regrets about the past or worries about the future, we are freed to notice what is happening in the moment and then choose to take action toward what is important to us.

The purpose is not to get rid of stress or anxiety or grief or whatever other uncomfortable feeling shows up, but rather to help facilitate awareness so that discomfort does not control our actions and define our lives. In being more present, we are free to notice not only the tough stuff like sadness or fear or frustration, but also the stuff that fills us up, like peace, joy and triumph. When we are not responsible for changing how we feel, we are freed up to change how we behave.

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness, it can absolutely be helpful! And it can help you with things like stress and anxiety and work performance and being a more engaged parent and partner. But the reason it is helpful matters. A lot.

When you decide to show up to the moment mindfully, remind yourself that this is not a way to escape something difficult or painful. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, so poignantly noted, “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Mindfulness allows us to access that space. It allows us to hold our experience willingly and gently, allows us to notice helpful information that may be present in our experience, and allows us to make a conscious, active choice about how we want to behave. We are freed to choose to act in a way that is consistent with our values, and in so doing, we are invited to experience life as full of vitality and meaning, even when we are faced with discomfort.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.