by Shoshana Shea and Annabelle Parr
How do we learn new things? Trial and error. Error is vital, but it is not the endpoint the way the phrase “trial and error” suggests. Instead, it is a signal that something needs to change. It gives us the information we need to make an appropriate adjustment to our behavior to either improve or redirect ourselves. So life is not really about trial and error, but trial and adjustment.
We embrace error and adjustment with babies.
We don’t expect an infant to come out of the womb knowing how to walk. We recognize that in order to learn, they will fall and get bruised up, and inevitably encounter pain. But we recognize failure as integral to the growth required to walk.
Furthermore, because we don’t expect instant perfection from young children, we recognize, honor, and validate each milestone on the path toward success. If walking is the end goal, then crawling isn’t failure, but rather a necessary step or adjustment towards the ultimate goal.
So why don’t we embrace erring and adjusting in ourselves as adults?
Before we even have language mastered, we are taught to avoid failure.
After we learn to walk and talk, our world shifts. Our culture exalts strength and success, yet ignores the fact that these things only come from failing and growing as a result. So we are taught that it is no longer okay to fail. That now we must present this image that we have life immediately mastered.
We are all busy hiding our mistakes, so it looks like no one is making any.
We don’t want to admit that we make errors, though one of the only things that we can say about life with certainty is that we all make mistakes. We are all trying to make it appear like we only need one trial to succeed – trial and success, never trial and error. We have created this grand cultural illusion that success is instant, fairly effortless, and painless.
We know that failure hurts.
Our instinct is to shield ourselves from that pain. It feels easier to stay well within our comfort zones, never having to feel unsure of the outcome of our efforts. It’s comfortable to be certain that we will succeed because we have aimed lower than our full potential. So we confine ourselves to crawling because we don’t want the bruises that come with learning to walk.
Here’s the harsh truth: we can choose to act on fear, but we cannot avoid failure.
As J.K. Rowling (2008) reminds us, “it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” Failure does hurt, but we can avoid neither failure nor pain in this life. What ultimately harms us more than either of these things is our refusal to try, err, and adjust; our refusal to live and embrace being human.
Source URL: http://likesuccess.com/img4622268
Our rejection of failure…
…affects our kids, their education, and their development.
As soon as our kids enter elementary school, we no longer allow them to fail. An “F” is a terrible thing – a sign of either laziness or lack of intelligence. We teach them to fear failure and to be ashamed of it. They learn to avoid trying new and challenging things because anything less than immediate success is intolerable.
…stunts innovation, creativity, and success.
In her TED Talk on shame, Brené Brown (2012) notes that TEDx should be called the failure conference. She means this as a positive thing because the people who achieve truly innovative solutions to the problems in this world are the people who are not afraid to fail, and have courageously done so over and over again.
I can guarantee that every single “successful” person that you admire failed a whole lot before they became the person that you now look up to. Their failures and mistakes helped to shape them into the admirable, wise, resilient human you now look up to.
…bleeds into every important area of our life, from our careers to our relationships to our education to our physical wellbeing.
When we do not allow ourselves to try and to err, we miss out. We limit ourselves from achieving the height of our potential because we are unwilling to face the depth of our imperfection.
When we allow a fear of failure to run our lives, we do not go after that job that is beyond our comfort zone. We do not take on that project that sounds difficult. We do not engage in the vulnerability required to open our hearts and experience real connection. We take the easy class rather than the challenging one. We do not apply to that reach school. We do not walk in to the gym or join that fitness class.
We limit ourselves and our ability to feel joy and confidence because we are afraid to know the other side of that coin. So instead we confine ourselves to the safety of certainty.
The Rock Garden Metaphor
There is a metaphor in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that offers much wisdom in the way of uncertainty. It is called the Rock Garden Metaphor (Follette & Pistorello, 2007). In Japan, there is a rock garden with fifteen rocks. From any given point in the garden, one rock is always hidden. In order to view the once hidden rock, one must move to a new spot. But there is no point in the garden where all fifteen rocks are within view.
Such is life. We can’t ever have all the knowledge. There is always something we can’t see or we don’t know yet. Maybe what we can’t foresee is failure or heartbreak or loss. But maybe it is success or love or joy. We won’t know until we take a leap to a new position.
So rather than wait for certainty that won’t come, we can cultivate self-awareness, do our best to make decisions in line with who we are and what we value, and take the leap of faith necessary to move forward and find new perspectives. We can evaluate afterwards how it went, what we learned, and if an adjustment is necessary. But we will remain stagnant if we wait to for that hidden rock to show itself or if we wait until we are no longer afraid to move.
Uncertainty is scary. But we don’t need to eliminate fear in order to act.
As Carrie Fisher wisely instructs us, “stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” We don’t eliminate fear by heeding it, but rather by defying it. Thus allowing ourselves to build the kind of enduring confidence that is only born when we risk failure, allow ourselves to fall and gain the knowledge that we can get back up.
Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/203787951869050945/
Though acting on fear shuts us off from growth, fear itself is not our enemy.
We can be afraid, allow ourselves to feel that fear, and still choose to act in spite of it. As David Richo (1991) put it, “when change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it.” Fear is actually a beautiful thing because it gives us the choice to be brave.
We can learn to welcome fear as a positive sign.
As Pema Chodron notes, “fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” Rather than trying to eliminate fear, we can embrace it as a companion, a sign that we are moving towards growth and truth.
Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/394627986073460265/
Error is vital, but it’s the adjustment that’s important.
Ultimately, life is about trial and adjustment, more than trial and error. Error will always be part of the process; however, reframing this statement can help us to acknowledge that failure is not a permanent state of existence. We will inevitably make mistakes, but this is the place where we learn to adjust our behavior. It is the adjustment, the learning, that we should focus on, rather than the error.
Furthermore, even when we do mess up, it is never an error to live our lives. It is never an error to step out of our comfort zone or take that leap of faith. We may try things and we may fail, but it was not an error to fail. It was simply a necessary step in our journey toward becoming the whole person that we are meant to be.
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If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.
REFERENCES:
Brown, B. (2012). Brené Brown: Listening to shame. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame
Follette, V. M., & Pistorello, J. (2007). Finding life beyond trauma: Using acceptance and commitment therapy to heal from post-traumatic stress and trauma-related problems. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.
Rowling, J. K. (2008). J.K. Rowling: The fringe benefits of failure. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure
