By Annabelle Parr
Feeling guilty is uncomfortable; it’s a sign that something is amiss. Investigating our guilt can help us to discover why it is present. If we have done something wrong, guilt is our conscience pushing us to adjust our behavior or atone for our mistakes. This sort of guilt is useful and exists for good reason.
But it’s also possible to feel guilty even when we haven’t done anything wrong.
Here’s an example: Lily has to tell her staff that they must come to work one Saturday a month. Although this is a company mandate, she feels guilty.
Lily has not done anything wrong, so apologizing or changing her behavior will not address her feelings of guilt in this situation.
How do we move forward and address our feelings of guilt when we have not done anything wrong?
1. Identify the feelings underlying guilt.
When you do something that upsets another person, it brings up emotions in you. You may say, “I feel guilty!” However, Tina Gilbertson says that guilt isn’t so much an emotion as it is a cue that other emotions are present. We can use guilt as an indication that we are experiencing a highly charged emotional reaction, and then we can investigate and identify the emotions that are hidden by our guilt. Paul Gilbert (2003) notes that in order to feel guilt, we may also be required also to tolerate sadness. In investigating the emotions beneath guilt, we are challenged to tolerate the discomfort they bring.
In the example, underlying Lily’s guilt may be frustration with her company for this new mandate and with the fact that she must be the one to deliver the news to her staff. She may also be feeling anxiety about how her staff will react and whether it will negatively impact her relationship with them.
2. Take note of avoidance behaviors and thoughts.
When we are not sure how to address our feelings of guilt, we may try to avoid taking the necessary action that we feel guilty about.
In the example, Lily may put off telling her staff about the new mandate.
In the Healthcare episode of The Office, Michael Scott offers an example of the extreme lengths a person might go to avoid feelings of guilt. Feeling guilty about having to cut employee health care benefits, Michael tries to pass the responsibility along to Jim and then Dwight (two of his employees). As the episode progresses and this avoidance attempt fails, Michael tries to appease everyone with ice cream sandwiches, and then proceeds to lock himself in his office until 5pm.
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It’s important to remember that avoiding taking action does not assuage our guilt, but rather prolongs it.
3. Have compassion for yourself.
Acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. Understand that it may be hard to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort. Remember that inevitably, we all disappoint people at some point or another. But it’s okay to feel disappointed, and you don’t have to “fix” other peoples’ disappointment.
In our example, Lily could be self-compassionate by recognizing that it is not her fault that her staff has to work one Saturday a month, and it is not her fault that they will be disappointed. She could say “it’s hard for me to share this news with you and it’s hard for you to hear it.”
4. Act in a way that is fitting to the situation.
Rather than giving in to avoidance, take the actions required of you even though they may be difficult. Part of acting in a way that is fitting means that you are careful not to be too apologetic. Depending on the scenario, you may share your feelings regarding the situation and the challenging position in which you find yourself, but this does not mean that you need to take on the responsibility for the other person’s disappointment or emotional reaction to your action.
For Lily, appropriate action would be holding a meeting with her staff and explaining the new policy. She does not need to apologize, but she can convey a sense of empathy for the reactions that her staff may have.
5. Step back and pause, allowing the other person/people to have their reaction/s.
If the other person is upset by your action, do not rush in to try to “fix” it or apologize. Allow them to feel their emotions, and notice what comes up for you. Have compassion for others and for yourself. And keep in mind that emotions are never permanent, and that we tend to work through them in our own time when we are allowed to feel them.
Lily might allow her staff to ask questions or express dismay. She may display empathy without wavering on the company policy or apologizing.
Guilt can affect our work, our relationships, and our behavior in all aspects of our lives.
Knowing how to navigate the sort of guilt that does not stem from wrongdoing is important. As author and civil rights activist Audre Lorde put it, “guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”
Have you found yourself struggling with a similar situation? Dr. Shea can help with learning the necessary tools to navigate such circumstances. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.
References:
Gilbert, P. (2003). Evolution, social roles, and the differences in shame and guilt. Social Research:
An international quarterly, 70(4), 1205-1230.
