The Way We Use Mindfulness Matters

By Annabelle Parr

It seems like mindfulness is everywhere these days. In recent years, it has exploded on the scene as the seemingly catch-all cure for a whole host of problems, supposedly promising to address mental health concerns, decrease stress, improve performance at work, and make you a better parent. Its benefits are touted across the internet – from business sites like Forbes and Fast Company, to wellness sites like the Huffington Post, to inspirational sites like Upworthy.

It’s true that practicing mindfulness can benefit us in all sorts of ways, showing not only benefits to our mind and our mood, but to our overall physiological health as well. However, when something is subjected to as much hype as mindfulness has been, sometimes in all the air time, it can get watered down and potentially misrepresented. Depending on how we talk about mindfulness and how we choose to apply it to our struggles and our lives, mindfulness can be a huge help or it can become one more well-disguised attempt at avoiding and controlling discomfort.

So what actually is mindfulness?

Mindfulness has a long and rich history rooted in Eastern philosophy traditions, which have acknowledged its benefits for centuries. Jon Kabat-Zinn, professor of medicine at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, was a trail blazer in integrating an understanding of mindfulness into the Western conception of health. He defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and non-judgmentally.” Meditation is an example of a mindful exercise, but mindfulness can be practiced in any moment during any activity – one of the reasons it is so appealing and accessible as a means of promoting wellbeing.

Sounds ideal, right? You can practice it anytime, anywhere! The key to a stress free life is available to you in any moment! Well…not exactly.

 As Steven C. Hayes (2019) pointed out in his new book, A Liberated Mind, “it matters what mindfulness is for.” Why are we choosing to practice mindfulness? Based on any number of headlines and articles you read online, it sounds like practicing mindfulness is about getting rid of discomfort and stress. But thinking about it this way can actually make things worse! As Carl Jung noted, what we resist persists. The more we try to escape, avoid, or control our emotions, the stronger they tend to get. What’s more, when all our energy is devoted to controlling discomfort, our lives become increasingly restricted as our choices are dictated by what we are not willing to feel. When mindfulness becomes one more tool to escape or control uncomfortable experiences, it can end up fueling the same cycle that gets us caught in suffering.

So if it’s not about getting rid of stress, why should we bother being mindful?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, mindfulness helps make our lives richer and more meaningful. It does not guarantee freedom from discomfort. But it does offer us a new way to meet our pain. When we connect to the here and now rather than getting caught in regrets about the past or worries about the future, we are freed to notice what is happening in the moment and then choose to take action toward what is important to us.

The purpose is not to get rid of stress or anxiety or grief or whatever other uncomfortable feeling shows up, but rather to help facilitate awareness so that discomfort does not control our actions and define our lives. In being more present, we are free to notice not only the tough stuff like sadness or fear or frustration, but also the stuff that fills us up, like peace, joy and triumph. When we are not responsible for changing how we feel, we are freed up to change how we behave.

If you are interested in learning more about mindfulness, it can absolutely be helpful! And it can help you with things like stress and anxiety and work performance and being a more engaged parent and partner. But the reason it is helpful matters. A lot.

When you decide to show up to the moment mindfully, remind yourself that this is not a way to escape something difficult or painful. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, so poignantly noted, “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom.” Mindfulness allows us to access that space. It allows us to hold our experience willingly and gently, allows us to notice helpful information that may be present in our experience, and allows us to make a conscious, active choice about how we want to behave. We are freed to choose to act in a way that is consistent with our values, and in so doing, we are invited to experience life as full of vitality and meaning, even when we are faced with discomfort.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Reframing “Failure”: Trial and Error or Trial and Adjustment?

by Shoshana Shea and Annabelle Parr

How do we learn new things? Trial and error. Error is vital, but it is not the endpoint the way the phrase “trial and error” suggests. Instead, it is a signal that something needs to change. It gives us the information we need to make an appropriate adjustment to our behavior to either improve or redirect ourselves. So life is not really about trial and error, but trial and adjustment.

We embrace error and adjustment with babies.

We don’t expect an infant to come out of the womb knowing how to walk. We recognize that in order to learn, they will fall and get bruised up, and inevitably encounter pain. But we recognize failure as integral to the growth required to walk.

Furthermore, because we don’t expect instant perfection from young children, we recognize, honor, and validate each milestone on the path toward success. If walking is the end goal, then crawling isn’t failure, but rather a necessary step or adjustment towards the ultimate goal.

So why don’t we embrace erring and adjusting in ourselves as adults?

Before we even have language mastered, we are taught to avoid failure.

After we learn to walk and talk, our world shifts. Our culture exalts strength and success, yet ignores the fact that these things only come from failing and growing as a result. So we are taught that it is no longer okay to fail. That now we must present this image that we have life immediately mastered.

We are all busy hiding our mistakes, so it looks like no one is making any.

We don’t want to admit that we make errors, though one of the only things that we can say about life with certainty is that we all make mistakes. We are all trying to make it appear like we only need one trial to succeed – trial and success, never trial and error. We have created this grand cultural illusion that success is instant, fairly effortless, and painless.

We know that failure hurts.

Our instinct is to shield ourselves from that pain. It feels easier to stay well within our comfort zones, never having to feel unsure of the outcome of our efforts. It’s comfortable to be certain that we will succeed because we have aimed lower than our full potential. So we confine ourselves to crawling because we don’t want the bruises that come with learning to walk.

Here’s the harsh truth: we can choose to act on fear, but we cannot avoid failure.

As J.K. Rowling (2008) reminds us, “it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.” Failure does hurt, but we can avoid neither failure nor pain in this life. What ultimately harms us more than either of these things is our refusal to try, err, and adjust; our refusal to live and embrace being human.

Source URL: http://likesuccess.com/img4622268

Our rejection of failure…

…affects our kids, their education, and their development.

As soon as our kids enter elementary school, we no longer allow them to fail. An “F” is a terrible thing – a sign of either laziness or lack of intelligence. We teach them to fear failure and to be ashamed of it. They learn to avoid trying new and challenging things because anything less than immediate success is intolerable.  

 …stunts innovation, creativity, and success.

In her TED Talk on shame, Brené Brown (2012) notes that TEDx should be called the failure conference. She means this as a positive thing because the people who achieve truly innovative solutions to the problems in this world are the people who are not afraid to fail, and have courageously done so over and over again.

I can guarantee that every single “successful” person that you admire failed a whole lot before they became the person that you now look up to. Their failures and mistakes helped to shape them into the admirable, wise, resilient human you now look up to.

…bleeds into every important area of our life, from our careers to our relationships to our education to our physical wellbeing.

When we do not allow ourselves to try and to err, we miss out. We limit ourselves from achieving the height of our potential because we are unwilling to face the depth of our imperfection.

When we allow a fear of failure to run our lives, we do not go after that job that is beyond our comfort zone. We do not take on that project that sounds difficult. We do not engage in the vulnerability required to open our hearts and experience real connection. We take the easy class rather than the challenging one. We do not apply to that reach school. We do not walk in to the gym or join that fitness class.

We limit ourselves and our ability to feel joy and confidence because we are afraid to know the other side of that coin. So instead we confine ourselves to the safety of certainty.

The Rock Garden Metaphor

There is a metaphor in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy that offers much wisdom in the way of uncertainty. It is called the Rock Garden Metaphor (Follette & Pistorello, 2007). In Japan, there is a rock garden with fifteen rocks. From any given point in the garden, one rock is always hidden. In order to view the once hidden rock, one must move to a new spot. But there is no point in the garden where all fifteen rocks are within view.

Such is life. We can’t ever have all the knowledge. There is always something we can’t see or we don’t know yet. Maybe what we can’t foresee is failure or heartbreak or loss. But maybe it is success or love or joy. We won’t know until we take a leap to a new position.

So rather than wait for certainty that won’t come, we can cultivate self-awareness, do our best to make decisions in line with who we are and what we value, and take the leap of faith necessary to move forward and find new perspectives. We can evaluate afterwards how it went, what we learned, and if an adjustment is necessary. But we will remain stagnant if we wait to for that hidden rock to show itself or if we wait until we are no longer afraid to move.

Uncertainty is scary. But we don’t need to eliminate fear in order to act.

As Carrie Fisher wisely instructs us, “stay afraid, but do it anyway. What’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow.” We don’t eliminate fear by heeding it, but rather by defying it. Thus allowing ourselves to build the kind of enduring confidence that is only born when we risk failure, allow ourselves to fall and gain the knowledge that we can get back up.

Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/203787951869050945/

Though acting on fear shuts us off from growth, fear itself is not our enemy.

We can be afraid, allow ourselves to feel that fear, and still choose to act in spite of it. As David Richo (1991) put it, “when change and growth scare me, I still choose them. I may act with fear, but never because of it.” Fear is actually a beautiful thing because it gives us the choice to be brave.

We can learn to welcome fear as a positive sign.

As Pema Chodron notes, “fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth.” Rather than trying to eliminate fear, we can embrace it as a companion, a sign that we are moving towards growth and truth.

Source URL: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/394627986073460265/

Error is vital, but it’s the adjustment that’s important.

Ultimately, life is about trial and adjustment, more than trial and error. Error will always be part of the process; however, reframing this statement can help us to acknowledge that failure is not a permanent state of existence. We will inevitably make mistakes, but this is the place where we learn to adjust our behavior. It is the adjustment, the learning, that we should focus on, rather than the error.

Furthermore, even when we do mess up, it is never an error to live our lives. It is never an error to step out of our comfort zone or take that leap of faith. We may try things and we may fail, but it was not an error to fail. It was simply a necessary step in our journey toward becoming the whole person that we are meant to be.

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If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

REFERENCES:

Brown, B. (2012). Brené Brown: Listening to shame. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame

Follette, V. M., & Pistorello, J. (2007). Finding life beyond trauma: Using acceptance and commitment therapy to heal from post-traumatic stress and trauma-related problems. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.

Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.

Rowling, J. K. (2008). J.K. Rowling: The fringe benefits of failure. [Video file]. Retrieved from https://www.ted.com/talks/jk_rowling_the_fringe_benefits_of_failure

When Pain Demands To Be Felt

by Annabelle Parr

We all struggle at some point in our lives. To hurt is to be human, no matter how much we want to avoid it. For most of us, our natural, reflexive reaction is to try to move away from pain. But avoidance will not serve us; it only brings us more anguish in the long run. The response that will serve us best is to feel. As author John Green (2012) wisely put it, pain demands to be felt.

Instead of viewing emotional pain – grief, loss, sadness, anxiety, stress, fear, or even depression – as a threat or as something inherently bad, we can get curious about these feelings, the wisdom they offer, and the purpose they serve. As Rumi reminds us in the poem The Guest House, every emotion is simply a guest. No emotion is ever permanent, but each one serves a purpose. “Each has been sent as a guide from beyond,” so we should learn to sit with each emotion and ask why it is present.  

It can be scary to make contact with the pain that life brings, especially if that is exactly what you have been trying to avoid doing your whole life. It can feel overwhelming and unknown. A therapist can model for you how to approach your pain with mindfulness and compassion, showing you how healing that experience feels, and teaching you to approach yourself and your emotions in the same way. They can help you learn that leaning into the feeling does not mean that the emotion controls you, but rather that you are simply giving it the space it needs to move through you. They can help you to come alongside whatever is causing you pain, and look at it more deeply with you so that you can begin to heal, instead of staying stuck. In fact, the connection that comes from leaning in with someone who profoundly sees and hears you can be incredibly healing.

The more we are able to embrace the pain in our lives, the more deeply we will feel those things that we all desire: love, joy, connection, and peace. Because emotions are not actually opposites, but two sides of the same coin. To know love is to know loss, to know joy is to know sadness, to know connection is to know isolation, and to know peace is to know conflict. And as Brené Brown (2010) reminds us, “you cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb [hard feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”

Here are some tips based on mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy for you to begin this process of being with pain, thereby allowing the wisdom inside you to emerge:

• Practice RAIN (Brach, 2013). This mindfulness acronym can help us to connect to the moment and to our feelings in a meaningful way.
  1. Recognize what is happening. Name your thoughts or emotions, or any feelings or sensations you are experiencing.
  2. Allow life to be as it is. Do not try to suppress or push away the discomfort that may accompany your thoughts or feelings. Simply allow yourself to be as you are.
  3. Investigate with kindness. Connect more deeply with what you are experiencing, using a gentle curiosity to delve into your experience. You might think about how you are experiencing your feelings in your body, or perhaps ask what it is your feelings want from you.
  4. Nonattachment. Rest in the natural awareness that your thoughts and feelings do not define you or your identity.
• Pick up a good book that offers some helpful wisdom regarding being with our emotions. Here are some suggestions: Constructive Wallowing by Tina Gilbertson, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

• Remind yourself that pain is a universal.  No person is impervious, although its content varies by person. Therefore, try not to compare your pain to others.  "Pain, no matter, how large or small, is still painful," and needs our attention.
• Consider the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) concept, "pain can be our ally." When we are hurting, often that pain can remind us of what is most meaningful, and help you to turn your attention to how you can get your values better fulfilled.
• Practice using compassionate self-talk and self-love. For example, say to yourself “no wonder I feel this way.” Put a hand on your heart, cradle your face, or even give yourself a hug. Small gestures and touch have been shown to be very healing. Try this self-compassion exercise from Kristin Neff if you need a little guidance:

http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/

• Reach out to a friend or family member for support.
• Contact a professional if you feel you could benefit from some deeper exploration. 

If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

References: 

Brach, T. (2013). Working with difficulties: The blessings of RAIN. Retieved from https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/rain-workingwithdifficulties/

Brown, B. (2010). Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Green, J. (2012). The fault in our stars. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.

Give Yourself the Gift of Kindness This Holiday Season

by Annabelle Parr

Somehow the holidays have snuck up on us once again. Though this time of year is meant to be filled with joy and cheer, for many of us it is also filled with stress, anxiety, and maybe even sadness or pain. The holiday season does not erase preexisting struggles, and it can add an extra layer of stress on top of what we may already have been dealing with. If you are having a hard time during the holidays, you may not feel like you have permission to be anything but happy.

But it’s important to remember you are not alone if you’re feeling stressed, tired, or less than joyful. The holidays can be difficult for many people and for many reasons. Engaging in the annual holiday traditions may bring back upsetting memories for those who experienced trauma, loss, or pain at this time of year. You may feel the weight of a recent change or loss, or you may notice that things have stayed the same from one holiday season to another when you desired a change. Maybe you have a challenging relationship with a particular family member that you have to navigate during the holidays, or maybe going home and back into your family system brings up unresolved conflicts or issues. Or maybe you enjoy the holidays, but you find yourself rushing around trying to accomplish everything on your to-do list within a budget of both time and money, and as a result you are unable to appreciate a time of year that you love because you are feeling so harried.

Whether your heart is feeling full of joy or full of pain, or some combination of both, here are a list of things that you can do to be kind to yourself and manage the stress that may accompany this season.

1.     Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy.” So, heed Theodore Roosevelt’s wise words, and try not to compare your holiday experience with what you see on TV, in movies, or on Facebook. And try not to set unrealistic expectations for yourself and for whatever holiday you celebrate. As Voltaire wisely put it, “perfect is the enemy of good.” Your holiday doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. So give yourself the grace for a few mistakes or snags in the plan because they are inevitable.

2.     Give yourself permission to say no. There is only so much time in the month of December. Though it is easy to feel the pressure to say yes to everything holiday related, it is important to know your own limits. Setting clear boundaries for yourself, with both your time and your finances, can help to reduce stress. Giving yourself some time to rest can allow you to more fully appreciate those things that you do choose to say yes to.

3.     Acknowledge your feelings. If you are feeling sad, anxious, lonely, or depressed, know that it’s okay. Allow yourself to feel those things without beating yourself up or feeling guilty for feeling this way at the holidays. Remember that we get ourselves into trouble when we try to avoid distressing feelings. And keep in mind that happiness and sadness can coexist. We can have moments of each, and even moments of both. But if we are busy trying to deny or avoid our pain, it’s going to be much harder to feel the joy at all.

4.     Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion means that we “mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation” (Neff, 2016).

5.     Practice kind self-talk. Listen to the thoughts running through your mind. Do you talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or loved one? Or are you beating yourself up for mistakes, imperfections, or feelings you wish weren’t there? If your self-talk is less than kind, try to remember to give yourself the same grace you would give to the people you love.

6.     Breathe. Frustrated with a long check-out line? Angry that someone cut you off in the parking lot? Feeling overwhelmed with your to-do lists? One of your relatives pushing your buttons? Remember to take a breath. Focus mindfully on each inhalation and exhalation, noticing your belly rise and fall with each breath. Mindful breathing exercises can help center you and calm your nervous system down.

7.     Take care of yourself. You know what you need better than anyone. Taking care of yourself might mean staying active and setting time aside for exercise – whether that is a long distance run or a stroll through your neighborhood. Or maybe you need a night in, wrapped in a blanket watching your favorite holiday movie. Self-care might mean surrounding yourself with your closest friends or family, or it might look like taking some time to be alone and read a good book. Ask yourself what you need and listen to your body’s response.

8.     Seek support when you need it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and everything is just too much, know that you don’t need to handle it alone. If you have too much to do, consider asking your loved ones to help you tackle a few things. If you’re feeling lonely or down, reach out to a trusted loved one to talk. If you feel you might benefit from some professional support, therapy is a good place to come work things through with an empathic, non-judgmental counselor. Talking with someone who knows how to listen and who can provide you with some coping tools can be incredibly healing.

If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

References:

Neff, K. (2016). Tips for practice. Self-compassion. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/tips-for-practice/