What We Resist Persists

by Shoshana Shea

Have you ever had these thoughts: “Everything REALLY IS fine, so why do I feel so sad?”  Or “I’m unhappy, yet I have nothing to be unhappy about.”  Or “I have a lot of NOISE in my head; I can’t get this nagging feeling to go away, even though I have a ‘good life,’ overall.”  Normally, our first instinct is to rationalize or push away uncomfortable feelings.  We try to think our way out of these painful periods in our lives. And for the most part, that has worked out fine.  On the other hand, we have never fully gotten rid of the thought, “Maybe I could be happier?”  Or perhaps we know we’re not happy, but we feel stuck and don’t know what to do.  Despite trying to push the thoughts away, they can become more intrusive, more frequent, and more oppressive.  In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) there is a common saying, originally opined by famous analyst, Carl Jung: “what you resist persists.”  In other words, even our life long strategies of thinking ‘harder,’ or further rationalizing, and/or attempting to ignore our feelings, can become ineffective in pushing pain away.

This is not necessarily a bad place to be in your life.  According to Buddhist nun, author, and world renown teacher, Pema Chodron (1997), “...feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

I’m fine, but not really.

This “I’m fine, but not really” experience can happen in any situation in our life – in our romantic relationships, friendships, work, family, and inside ourselves.  Consider this scenario: Sally has a decent paying job, but she is overworked. She comes home feeling drained and anxious, sometimes numb. The boss just gave her a cost of living raise, but not a merit one.  She has the thought, “I should just be happy I have a job at all when so many people don’t.”

Why do the thoughts persist?

The thoughts persist because our body is trying to alert us that ‘an important something’ is needing our attention, and we can no longer continue the way we have been doing so.  Our job is to do a deeper investigation in order to generate more effective coping strategies in our lives and ultimately, to move in a more meaningful life direction.  The thoughts will continue as long as we don’t address the underlying causes.

Our brain runs on templates

Another reason these thoughts persist is that our brains will engage in familiar behavioral and thinking patterns that maintain the status quo.  We want a quick fix where relief is readily available.  Having to sit and do a deeper investigation of our feelings and possibly take actions that initially heighten our pain for the purpose of getting the long-term pay-off is not to our brain’s liking.  We will, therefore, look for coping strategies that are readily accessible and that we have utilized in the past. Given that our neural pathways like this familiarity and run on these (often outdated) templates to help us cope and navigate any situation, we will avoid trying something new or unfamiliar; even if that familiarity does not involve a happy outcome, it’s a predictable one. 

Forging a new neural pathway is akin to having to cut down a path through a cornfield

Furthermore, creating a new neural pathway has been compared to walking through an overgrown cornfield, as opposed to a path that is already cut down and well-tread. Forging a new path is akin to taking out a pocket knife and cutting down one stalk at a time.  That can be fairly disheartening and who knows what lies on the other side of the field, so why expend the effort?  An even more unsatisfying work situation or relationship may be at the end of the path.  So we fall back on old “safe” behaviors and continue to feel unsatisfied in our lives.

The paradox in all this is that this built-in mechanism that is meant to protect us is actually keeping us from being more content in our lives.  The Rochester Meditation Center’s Daily Tejaniya for May 2, 2018 captures that idea perfectly: A meditation student said her meditations were deeply unpleasant because she had to face a torrent of random thoughts, distracting fantasies, and harsh self-judgments.  “Do you want it to stop?” Sayadaw asked her.  “Yes!” she said. “That’s the problem,” he said.

So What Can We Do?

1. Stop struggling, as the example with the meditation teacher and student above implies, we have to stop pushing back on the thoughts and telling ourselves we can’t think that way. Remember, what we resist persists!
    
2. Thoughts are not the problem – Acknowledge that the thoughts are there, and know that our brains, albeit exhausting, are trying to find a quick fix to the situation by thinking ‘harder.’ 
    
3. “You can’t control your first thought, but you can [certainly] control the second” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2013.) The first thought is our primal brain (i.e., the part of the brain that we share with many other species) reacting to pain and perceived danger. The second thought has the potential to engage our higher ordered thinking human brains, in a more fully embodied way, to include more information than our initial thoughts. This is our opportunity to look at the larger picture!
    
4. Understand that the thoughts and emotions are there for good reason.  Something does need our attention; however, we need to engage our thoughts in a different way, not by pushing back on them or getting pulled down into their content.
    
5. Sometimes we do have to make some hard choices – Initially, in the short run, we may have to make some difficult decisions and put in some hard work, for the long-term payoff. As in the case of Sally, she may need to find a new job and/or take a pay cut at first, so she can ultimately have more upward mobility.  That will likely involve more pain at first; our brains don’t like that, and will tell us all kinds of stories about why we can’t handle making a change in our lives.
    
6. The body never lies – If we are in pain, our body is only alerting us to that and wants us to move towards a better quality of life.  The body knows making a mindful change will lead us to a better place.  Instead of loneliness and disconnection, if we tune into our “gut,” ultimately, we will come to a more connected fulfilling place.
    
7. Therapy can be helpful to make some changes – A therapist can identify where we are getting stuck and help us relate to our thoughts in a more helpful way. By taking us through a deeper investigation, our wisdom can emerge to help facilitate meaningful changes and action in our life.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart. Heart advice for difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Hendrix, H.  & Hunt, H.L. (2013). Making marriage simple. 10 relationship-saving truths. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

The Rochester Meditation Center. (May 2, 2018). The Daily Tejaniya.

Why It’s Okay to Be Mad

by Annabelle Parr

Humans are wired for connection. Relationships bring us immense joy, but they can also be challenging at times. There will inevitably be moments when we miscommunicate and misunderstand each other, and this can lead to frustration and conflict where both partners feel angry and hurt.

Here’s an example.

Julie and Rob both have busy lives, children they love, and full-time jobs. Julie wants Rob to spend more time with the family. Rob wishes Julie understood the overwhelming pressure his boss puts on him. Julie never “signed up” to be a single parent; and Rob doesn’t seem to understand that she has pressures and responsibilities of her own at work. Julie, unlike Rob, makes time for the family. It is the third night in a row that Rob has called to say he won’t be home before the boys go to bed. Julie is tired and frustrated. She snaps, “You don’t have to come home at all, for all I care.” Rob feels demoralized. It seems like he can’t please anyone no matter what he does. Julie is fuming and can’t seem to make Rob understand how she feels so alone.

Both Rob and Julie’s feelings are valid, but neither one of them is feeling heard. Both of them are now feeling angry. Anger is not a bad thing; there are no “bad” emotions. However, when people get angry, conflict does have the potential to escalate.

We tend to equate anger with aggression, but anger is an emotion while aggression is a behavior.

The problem isn’t anger itself. As Tina Gilbertson notes on her blog, “anger has never hurt anyone.” Emotions, no matter how strong, cannot cause harm. Rather, it is our behavior and our emotional expression has the potential to inflict injury. So, our negative connotation towards anger is due to our lack of understanding surrounding how to express ourselves when we feel mad.

Allowing ourselves to get angry is actually healthy.

While getting aggressive is destructive, allowing ourselves to feel angry is vital. Here’s why.

1. Anger, like any emotion, is information. Ignoring anger is like ignoring your smoke alarm. Approaching the screeching alarm may be uncomfortable, but it’s a sign that something is amiss. When we ignore such a vital piece of information, we invite the underlying problem to turn into a full blown fire.

“…feelings like… anger… instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back…They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.”
- Pema Chödrön

“Anger is the feeling that says No to opposition, injury, or injustice. It is a signal that something I value is in jeopardy.”
- David Richo

2. Anger is energy that we can use to create change. We can either take this energy out on ourselves and/or others, or we can channel it into positive, constructive change. For example, rather than getting into a yelling match with a family member, you can use your angry energy as courage to set a firm, clear boundary. Or rather than ruminating on all the bad things that happen in the world, you can use your anger as motivation to get involved in volunteering for a cause close to your heart.

“We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other peoples’ reactions, nor are they responsible for ours.”
- Harriet Lerner

3. Anger can help protect us, at least for a time. Anger helps us to draw a line between what we will accept in our lives and what we will not. It can also help us ease into pain that we may not be ready to fully experience without a protective layer - anger. Holding on to anger across our lifetime is toxic. But allowing ourselves to be angry for a time may give us the space we need to set boundaries and create room to heal.

“My dictionary defines forgiveness as a ‘letting go of resentment.’ But how do we let go if we believe our anger protects us from further injury or, in some strange way, holds a perpetrator accountable? Resentment and righteous indignation distance us from our own pain, and we need distance to survive. At least initially.”
- Daniel Gottlieb

4. No matter how hard we try to repress our anger, it will eventually find its way out at our expense. We cannot will our emotions away. They’ll simply find other outlets or ways to catch up with us. The only way to get rid of an emotion is to feel it and allow it to move through us.

“Passive anger [passive aggression] is inappropriate and not an adult way of behaving. Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate. Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger turned inward.”
- David Richo

“Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” 
- Jack Kornfield

So next time you find yourself feeling angry, give yourself grace and permission to feel it. Because, as David Richo (1991) wisely states, “the anger has pointed to where it still hurts.”

How to Handle Anger Constructively:

1. Pause. Take a deep breath and center yourself before trying to communicate.
2. Acknowledge and accept what you are feeling. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt; your feelings exist for good reason. Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling – frustration, pain, fear, rejection. Get curious about what caused that feeling to arise.
    
3. Have compassion for yourself.
    
4. Have compassion for the other person. Give them the benefit of the doubt as well, and recognize that their feelings exist for good reason too. Get curious about their emotions and what has triggered that emotion in them.
    
5. Respond rather than react. Reacting is reflexive; it’s a knee jerk reaction that occurs when someone hits one of our sore spots. Reacting is natural and happens to everyone from time to time. But how you move forward after you react is important. Notice your own reaction and then respond to it. Responding is pausing, communicating without blame, and listening from a place of compassion rather than defensiveness.

If you find yourself struggling with anger and could use some help navigating these feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for hard times. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Gottlieb, D. (2010). The wisdom of Sam: Observations on life from an uncommon child. Hay House, Inc.

Kornfield, J. (1993). A path with heart: A guide through the perils and promises of spiritual life. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Row Publishers. 

Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.