Just because you are capable of doing something, doesn’t mean you must

By Dr. Shoshana Shea

Simply put, when someone asks us to do something we are capable of doing, we often feel guilty, anxious, and obliged to do it; that doesn’t mean we should though.  Ever notice how being efficient and competent can sometimes feel like a punishment? Or when no one else is taking responsibility for a task, and the task needed to get done two days ago, and that even though you are screaming “No!” inside, you absolutely won’t do it this time, the other side of your brain betrays you, and tells your foot to step forward?

The paradox in all of this is that, in an effort to be helpful and connected, we end up feeling resentful and disconnected.

From an evolutionary biological standpoint, individuals who were able to live in cooperative societies, were able to survive, thrive, and pass on their genes; i.e., our ancestors. So not only is it in our ‘hard wiring’ to say yes without thinking about it, we have many societal and familial reasons to not say no as well. A compliant easy-going child gets praised, and a ‘difficult,’ more independent one often gets punished and shamed.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not advocating for people to not be helpful and amenable; I’m asking that we pause to consider a few factors before proceeding with an action.

Here are a couple of points to take into account the next time your co-worker, mom, PTA president, the dog groomer, or even the dog asks (or implies that) you should be doing something:

1.     Just because you are able to do something, doesn’t mean you should! Make this your new mantra, “Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should.”

2.     Do you truly have the capacity? Especially in the larger scheme of your life, is the balance tipped all the way towards doing things for others, while there isn’t enough time, energy, and/or space left over for you?

3.     Saying yes is not necessarily always good for the other individual;

4.     Even more important, saying yes is not necessarily good for the RELATIONSHIP.  *See paradox above.  The intention may be that you are saying yes to preserve the relationship, but the outcome may end in you feeling resentful, and ultimately destroy the relationship.

5.     It’s OK to say no. Period. End of story; actually, there is no story; no explanation is needed.

6.     Even extremely kind compassionate leaders say no sometimes.  Saying no clears the path to say yes and build consistency and trust in a relationship.

7.     Check your body; what is it saying? When you get that anxiety drop in your stomach and your thoughts start spinning, your body is trying to get your attention.

8.     Pause next time this comes up; ask yourself if you really want to.

9.     And lastly, and just as important (if not the most important), check to see what emotions are there. Are you feeling anxious, guilty, sad, frustrated?

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Navigating Romantic Relationships During COVID-19

by Annabelle Parr

One of the many challenges presented by COVID-19 is the way it has altered how we are permitted to relate to one another. Required to maintain distance between ourselves and others, we are allowed out of our homes only for essential business and errands, or to take walks or runs as long as we keep at least six feet between ourselves and those we pass. Initially this six feet rule was termed “social distancing,” but experts have proposed that we shift our terminology to “physical distancing.” While this may seem like a trivial shift, it speaks to the importance of relational connection and reminds us that we must keep a physical distance from one another, not an emotional one.

Humans are inherently social creatures; we evolved in a context that dictated that connection and cooperation with the group was vital to our survival. So what a strange situation we find ourselves in where, for our collective wellbeing, we must put physical distance between ourselves and others. Paradoxically, you may find that this new paradigm is helping you to reconnect with friends and loved ones you rarely spoke with prior, taking advantage of the technologies that allow us to see one another even when you are not in the same room, city, or even country. You may also be finding that this shift has thrown new, challenging, unprecedented and unexpected variables into your romantic relationship. Whether you are dating, in a committed relationship, or married, COVID-19 has altered our daily lives in such a way that it is bound to impact our relational lives.

Dating during coronavirus

If you were dating prior to the COVID-19 outbreak, it may feel difficult to know how to proceed. With so many options for online dating and dating apps, the dating landscape has changed dramatically over the last decade, even prior to coronavirus. However, while these apps may help you find and connect with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet, typically, the dating itself has still involved actually meeting in person. For the time being, meeting in person is not an option.

But what if you are still interested in dating, meeting new people, and pursuing connection? If it is important to you to continue dating during this time, there are options available to you if you are willing to be flexible and creative. Rather than going out on dates, you can opt for talking on the phone, setting up a video call happy hour, or even a Netflix Party to share in a favorite TV show or movie together.

It’s also important to know that there is no pressure. If meeting for the first time through your computer screen does not sound like something that is in line with your values at this moment in time, that’s okay. Give yourself permission to take a break and know that this is temporary. Tune in to what matters to you and what you need to do to take care of yourself during this time.

Relationships during coronavirus

Maybe you are already in a committed relationship. If you do not live with your partner, you may have found that suddenly it feels like you are in a long distance relationship. Depending on any number of variables (from whether you or your partner lives with others, whether their roommates are still working outside the home, etc.), you may not be able to see each other or connect using any form of physical touch right now.

If, on the other hand, you are living together or have chosen to quarantine together, you are likely now spending near 24/7 in the same space together. This can present its own set of challenges. As much as we love our partners, as relationship expert Esther Perel noted, “our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness.” And it can be hard to find that separateness during shelter in place.

Marriage and/or children during coronavirus

If you are married and/or raising children with your partner, not only are you and your partner now together 24/7, but the kids are home as well. Trying to navigate working from home and homeschooling children on top of everything else presents a lot of new variables to manage as a couple and family.

Tips for tending to your relationship during coronavirus

Whether coronavirus has meant that you and your partner cannot see each other in person, or whether it means that you are now almost constantly together, connection and communication are crucial for navigating this time together. Here are some tips for maintaining a loving, balanced relationship during COVID-19:

1. Acknowledge and have self-compassion for your emotions. Allow yourself to have your feelings. Be gentle with yourself and know that however you are feeling is okay. When we are willing to have our feelings and to be compassionate to ourselves in the midst of pain and struggle, we are able to make deliberate choices about how we communicate and behave that are in line with the type of person and partner we want to be. When we are unwilling to have our feelings, or we are unkind to ourselves, our emotions may find unhelpful ways of leaking out and may come to covertly control our reactions.

2. Clearly state your feelings and your needs. Our partners are not mind readers, nor should they be. We are all individuals with unique feelings and needs, and we can best support each other when we are each clear about what helps us to feel safe and loved. I-statements provide a useful template for communicating your feelings and needs clearly (I feel [x] when [y], and I need [z]).

3. Give your partner space and compassion to process and experience their emotions. Know that it’s totally normal for each of us to feel and think differently about this situation. You and your partner may have different needs, feelings, and opinions, and just as it is important that you allow yourself to have your experience, it’s important that your partner has the space to have their experience as well. In any given moment, one of you may feel anxious about all the uncertainty, while the other may feel grateful for time to slow down; one of you may want to be productive, while the other may be exhausted. One of you may want to be as informed as possible and process the information aloud, while the other may want to watch Netflix and only update as necessary.  

4. Work together to creatively support each other. You may have different needs during all of this, and that can be hard to manage. Carve out time to meet each other’s needs and find ways to compromise. For example, those in long distance scenarios may find one partner is craving a FaceTime date, while the other wants to ditch their screens for a while having been glued to them all day while telecommuting. Plan a time for a screen date to maintain connection, and also plan out some time for a screen detox.  

5. Stay connected with friends and family. Romantic relationships are not meant to function like islands; yet when we are stuck in the same space for weeks on end, it can start to feel like we are literally stuck on an island together. Make sure to reach out for support and connection with friends and family during this time. Having a wider net for support in times of stress is crucial.

6. Strike a balance between connection and separation. If you are in a long distance scenario, you may be craving more connection. If you are quarantining together, you may be craving more separateness. (Though of course the reverse can be true in either scenario as well). It is important to find time to connect, share our emotions, needs, and experiences, and be together, and it is equally important to have some space to ourselves, to read or engage in personally enjoyed activities, or catch up with other loved ones. Being intentional with our time and space, and honoring our own and our partner’s need for both connection and separateness can help us to strike a balance.

7. Laugh together. Humor can be so healing during times of stress. Finding things to laugh about together can help us bond and help defuse some of the tension we may be feeling. Whether this involves watching funny videos or shows together, playing silly games, or just finding the humor in little moments, laughter really is good medicine. It might sound hard to laugh during such a stressful time, but it’s important to seek out something that brings us a little joy and levity.

8. Connect with gratitude. This does not mean you are not allowed to feel anxious or sad or angry or exhausted about this massive upheaval. However, pausing to mindfully appreciate small joys or victories can help shift our perspective, even if just for a moment, and can help us to weather the storm with more resilience. See if you can notice the things that you are grateful for in your partner, the little moments with them that you cherish. Try to connect with something you are grateful for each day, whether it has to do with your relationship or not.

9. Utilize the tools available to you. We are still able to go outside, breathe in fresh air, take walks or go on a run. And thankfully we live in a time in which we have a whole host of technology available to us that allows us to stay connected in ways never before possible. None of this is an ideal situation, but don’t forget to utilize what is available to you to help create balance in your life and relationship where possible.

10. Seek professional support. If you are experiencing stress, anxiety, trauma, or depression that is impacting your ability to function effectively in your relationship (or any other important area of your life), professional support is available. Many therapists, including Dr. Shea, are offering telehealth services to clients during shelter in place. Telehealth or teletherapy typically involves conducting sessions via a videoconferencing platform or over the phone, and studies have shown telehealth to be as effective as in person therapy. It is okay to ask for help, and help is still available to you.

Relationships can be challenging even in the best of times, and as we face this totally unprecedented global stressor, expect that it will present some new challenges to your relationship. As much as it is a time filled with stress, anxiety, and fear, this is also an opportunity to develop resilience and skills to navigate situations full of uncertainty. Rest in the knowledge that this is a period of trial and adjustment for us all, and be gentle with yourself, your partner, and all of your loved ones.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Mindfulness, and Telemental Health Services. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

What We Resist Persists

by Shoshana Shea

Have you ever had these thoughts: “Everything REALLY IS fine, so why do I feel so sad?”  Or “I’m unhappy, yet I have nothing to be unhappy about.”  Or “I have a lot of NOISE in my head; I can’t get this nagging feeling to go away, even though I have a ‘good life,’ overall.”  Normally, our first instinct is to rationalize or push away uncomfortable feelings.  We try to think our way out of these painful periods in our lives. And for the most part, that has worked out fine.  On the other hand, we have never fully gotten rid of the thought, “Maybe I could be happier?”  Or perhaps we know we’re not happy, but we feel stuck and don’t know what to do.  Despite trying to push the thoughts away, they can become more intrusive, more frequent, and more oppressive.  In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) there is a common saying, originally opined by famous analyst, Carl Jung: “what you resist persists.”  In other words, even our life long strategies of thinking ‘harder,’ or further rationalizing, and/or attempting to ignore our feelings, can become ineffective in pushing pain away.

This is not necessarily a bad place to be in your life.  According to Buddhist nun, author, and world renown teacher, Pema Chodron (1997), “...feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

I’m fine, but not really.

This “I’m fine, but not really” experience can happen in any situation in our life – in our romantic relationships, friendships, work, family, and inside ourselves.  Consider this scenario: Sally has a decent paying job, but she is overworked. She comes home feeling drained and anxious, sometimes numb. The boss just gave her a cost of living raise, but not a merit one.  She has the thought, “I should just be happy I have a job at all when so many people don’t.”

Why do the thoughts persist?

The thoughts persist because our body is trying to alert us that ‘an important something’ is needing our attention, and we can no longer continue the way we have been doing so.  Our job is to do a deeper investigation in order to generate more effective coping strategies in our lives and ultimately, to move in a more meaningful life direction.  The thoughts will continue as long as we don’t address the underlying causes.

Our brain runs on templates

Another reason these thoughts persist is that our brains will engage in familiar behavioral and thinking patterns that maintain the status quo.  We want a quick fix where relief is readily available.  Having to sit and do a deeper investigation of our feelings and possibly take actions that initially heighten our pain for the purpose of getting the long-term pay-off is not to our brain’s liking.  We will, therefore, look for coping strategies that are readily accessible and that we have utilized in the past. Given that our neural pathways like this familiarity and run on these (often outdated) templates to help us cope and navigate any situation, we will avoid trying something new or unfamiliar; even if that familiarity does not involve a happy outcome, it’s a predictable one. 

Forging a new neural pathway is akin to having to cut down a path through a cornfield

Furthermore, creating a new neural pathway has been compared to walking through an overgrown cornfield, as opposed to a path that is already cut down and well-tread. Forging a new path is akin to taking out a pocket knife and cutting down one stalk at a time.  That can be fairly disheartening and who knows what lies on the other side of the field, so why expend the effort?  An even more unsatisfying work situation or relationship may be at the end of the path.  So we fall back on old “safe” behaviors and continue to feel unsatisfied in our lives.

The paradox in all this is that this built-in mechanism that is meant to protect us is actually keeping us from being more content in our lives.  The Rochester Meditation Center’s Daily Tejaniya for May 2, 2018 captures that idea perfectly: A meditation student said her meditations were deeply unpleasant because she had to face a torrent of random thoughts, distracting fantasies, and harsh self-judgments.  “Do you want it to stop?” Sayadaw asked her.  “Yes!” she said. “That’s the problem,” he said.

So What Can We Do?

1. Stop struggling, as the example with the meditation teacher and student above implies, we have to stop pushing back on the thoughts and telling ourselves we can’t think that way. Remember, what we resist persists!
    
2. Thoughts are not the problem – Acknowledge that the thoughts are there, and know that our brains, albeit exhausting, are trying to find a quick fix to the situation by thinking ‘harder.’ 
    
3. “You can’t control your first thought, but you can [certainly] control the second” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2013.) The first thought is our primal brain (i.e., the part of the brain that we share with many other species) reacting to pain and perceived danger. The second thought has the potential to engage our higher ordered thinking human brains, in a more fully embodied way, to include more information than our initial thoughts. This is our opportunity to look at the larger picture!
    
4. Understand that the thoughts and emotions are there for good reason.  Something does need our attention; however, we need to engage our thoughts in a different way, not by pushing back on them or getting pulled down into their content.
    
5. Sometimes we do have to make some hard choices – Initially, in the short run, we may have to make some difficult decisions and put in some hard work, for the long-term payoff. As in the case of Sally, she may need to find a new job and/or take a pay cut at first, so she can ultimately have more upward mobility.  That will likely involve more pain at first; our brains don’t like that, and will tell us all kinds of stories about why we can’t handle making a change in our lives.
    
6. The body never lies – If we are in pain, our body is only alerting us to that and wants us to move towards a better quality of life.  The body knows making a mindful change will lead us to a better place.  Instead of loneliness and disconnection, if we tune into our “gut,” ultimately, we will come to a more connected fulfilling place.
    
7. Therapy can be helpful to make some changes – A therapist can identify where we are getting stuck and help us relate to our thoughts in a more helpful way. By taking us through a deeper investigation, our wisdom can emerge to help facilitate meaningful changes and action in our life.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart. Heart advice for difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Hendrix, H.  & Hunt, H.L. (2013). Making marriage simple. 10 relationship-saving truths. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

The Rochester Meditation Center. (May 2, 2018). The Daily Tejaniya.

Do I Need to be Perfect Before I Can Have a Relationship?

by Shoshana Shea and Annabelle Parr

Have you ever been through a breakup and had your friends or family tell you that being single is good because now you can “work on yourself?” We often hear that the time to focus on ourselves and our own growth is when we are single. While being single can offer us an opportunity for self-development, this message suggests that being in a relationship and working on yourself are mutually exclusive. While this may be true occasionally, it is certainly not the rule. Our personal growth does not end just because we enter a relationship. Arguably, some of our most profound growth will occur within our relationships, not removed from them.

Why do people emphasize being single as the time to work on yourself? 

Theoretically, it’s easier to work on yourself when you are single; it’s primarily you that you need to focus on. In a relationship, the focus in not only on yourself, but also on your partner and the relationship.    

No one can save us from our own personal growing pains.

Additionally, we sometimes end up using the relationship as a substitute for working on ourselves. Motivational speaker, Jungian psychologist, and author, James Hollis, reminds us in his book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life, How to Finally Really Grow Up, that “there is a telling paradox at work here. The more we wish another person to repair our wounds, meet our needs, and protect us from having to grow up, really grow up, the more dissatisfying the relationship will prove over the long haul. It will swamp in stagnation...” (Hollis, 2006).

Our partner may be able to help catalyze our growth, but they cannot do our growing for us.

In the context of a healthy, loving relationship, it is still possible to “work on yourself.” James Hollis (2006) continues, “If, however, we can see that the relationship is a summons to growth, in part by encountering the otherness of our partner, the relationship will support each person risking, stretching, and growing beyond the point where they entered.”

When a relationship ends, how long do you need to “work on yourself” before getting into another relationship? 

If you have recently been through a break up, there may be value in taking some time and space before entering into a new relationship. This single period can give you time to reflect on and process why a relationship didn’t work. There is no set amount of time or magic equation, however, that will tell you when to begin dating again. As long as you are committed to self-growth, you can begin dating whenever you feel compelled to do so.

The most important thing is that you get out there and live your life!

People can spend so much time trying to ‘fix’ themselves before entering a relationship that they don’t engage in their life. Cheryl Strayed (2015) reminds us, “You can’t ride to the fair unless you get on the pony.” People can lose sight of two important things: 1. They can continue to work on themselves and work on (or pursue) a relationship at the same time.  2. They were actually whole to begin with and it’s not about “fixing” anything at all; perhaps the last relationship just wasn’t the right fit. Jeff Foster (2014) reminds us, “...Courage is the willingness to fall to your knees, to feel pain, to get yourself dirty, shake yourself off, and forge ahead with a broken-open heart.”

When we are truly committed to our own growth, we will find opportunities to “work on ourselves” whether we are in a relationship or not.

Consider this question on your journey of self-growth posed by James Hollis (2006), “’Am I made larger, or smaller, by this path, this relationship, this decision?’” Relationships are complicated, and they are not always the right fit. When we are single and unattached, we usually have plenty of time and space to “work on ourselves” and there is no doubt that there is much joy to be found in this part of the journey. But if we have found a partner whom we love and cherish, we can be connected to them and remain connected to ourselves and our own growth all at once.

If you find yourself struggling and could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Foster, J. [Jeff]. (2014, August 6). Self esteem [Facebook status update]. Retrieved from https://www.facebook.com/LifeWithoutACentre/posts/620343951396550

Hollis, J. (2006). Finding meaning in the second half of life: How to finally, really grow up. New York, NY: Gotham Books.

Strayed, C. (2015). Brave enough. New York, NY: Alfred A. Knopf.

Why It’s Okay to Be Mad

by Annabelle Parr

Humans are wired for connection. Relationships bring us immense joy, but they can also be challenging at times. There will inevitably be moments when we miscommunicate and misunderstand each other, and this can lead to frustration and conflict where both partners feel angry and hurt.

Here’s an example.

Julie and Rob both have busy lives, children they love, and full-time jobs. Julie wants Rob to spend more time with the family. Rob wishes Julie understood the overwhelming pressure his boss puts on him. Julie never “signed up” to be a single parent; and Rob doesn’t seem to understand that she has pressures and responsibilities of her own at work. Julie, unlike Rob, makes time for the family. It is the third night in a row that Rob has called to say he won’t be home before the boys go to bed. Julie is tired and frustrated. She snaps, “You don’t have to come home at all, for all I care.” Rob feels demoralized. It seems like he can’t please anyone no matter what he does. Julie is fuming and can’t seem to make Rob understand how she feels so alone.

Both Rob and Julie’s feelings are valid, but neither one of them is feeling heard. Both of them are now feeling angry. Anger is not a bad thing; there are no “bad” emotions. However, when people get angry, conflict does have the potential to escalate.

We tend to equate anger with aggression, but anger is an emotion while aggression is a behavior.

The problem isn’t anger itself. As Tina Gilbertson notes on her blog, “anger has never hurt anyone.” Emotions, no matter how strong, cannot cause harm. Rather, it is our behavior and our emotional expression has the potential to inflict injury. So, our negative connotation towards anger is due to our lack of understanding surrounding how to express ourselves when we feel mad.

Allowing ourselves to get angry is actually healthy.

While getting aggressive is destructive, allowing ourselves to feel angry is vital. Here’s why.

1. Anger, like any emotion, is information. Ignoring anger is like ignoring your smoke alarm. Approaching the screeching alarm may be uncomfortable, but it’s a sign that something is amiss. When we ignore such a vital piece of information, we invite the underlying problem to turn into a full blown fire.

“…feelings like… anger… instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back…They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck.”
- Pema Chödrön

“Anger is the feeling that says No to opposition, injury, or injustice. It is a signal that something I value is in jeopardy.”
- David Richo

2. Anger is energy that we can use to create change. We can either take this energy out on ourselves and/or others, or we can channel it into positive, constructive change. For example, rather than getting into a yelling match with a family member, you can use your angry energy as courage to set a firm, clear boundary. Or rather than ruminating on all the bad things that happen in the world, you can use your anger as motivation to get involved in volunteering for a cause close to your heart.

“We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions. We are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other peoples’ reactions, nor are they responsible for ours.”
- Harriet Lerner

3. Anger can help protect us, at least for a time. Anger helps us to draw a line between what we will accept in our lives and what we will not. It can also help us ease into pain that we may not be ready to fully experience without a protective layer - anger. Holding on to anger across our lifetime is toxic. But allowing ourselves to be angry for a time may give us the space we need to set boundaries and create room to heal.

“My dictionary defines forgiveness as a ‘letting go of resentment.’ But how do we let go if we believe our anger protects us from further injury or, in some strange way, holds a perpetrator accountable? Resentment and righteous indignation distance us from our own pain, and we need distance to survive. At least initially.”
- Daniel Gottlieb

4. No matter how hard we try to repress our anger, it will eventually find its way out at our expense. We cannot will our emotions away. They’ll simply find other outlets or ways to catch up with us. The only way to get rid of an emotion is to feel it and allow it to move through us.

“Passive anger [passive aggression] is inappropriate and not an adult way of behaving. Strongly expressed anger is called rage. Strongly held anger is called hate. Unexpressed anger is resentment. Anger can be unconsciously repressed and internalized. It then becomes depression, i.e. anger turned inward.”
- David Richo

“Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.” 
- Jack Kornfield

So next time you find yourself feeling angry, give yourself grace and permission to feel it. Because, as David Richo (1991) wisely states, “the anger has pointed to where it still hurts.”

How to Handle Anger Constructively:

1. Pause. Take a deep breath and center yourself before trying to communicate.
2. Acknowledge and accept what you are feeling. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt; your feelings exist for good reason. Ask yourself what exactly you are feeling – frustration, pain, fear, rejection. Get curious about what caused that feeling to arise.
    
3. Have compassion for yourself.
    
4. Have compassion for the other person. Give them the benefit of the doubt as well, and recognize that their feelings exist for good reason too. Get curious about their emotions and what has triggered that emotion in them.
    
5. Respond rather than react. Reacting is reflexive; it’s a knee jerk reaction that occurs when someone hits one of our sore spots. Reacting is natural and happens to everyone from time to time. But how you move forward after you react is important. Notice your own reaction and then respond to it. Responding is pausing, communicating without blame, and listening from a place of compassion rather than defensiveness.

If you find yourself struggling with anger and could use some help navigating these feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart: Heart advice for hard times. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications, Inc.

Gottlieb, D. (2010). The wisdom of Sam: Observations on life from an uncommon child. Hay House, Inc.

Kornfield, J. (1993). A path with heart: A guide through the perils and promises of spiritual life. New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Lerner, H. (1985). The dance of anger: A woman's guide to changing the patterns of intimate relationships. New York, NY: Harper & Row Publishers. 

Richo, D. (1991). How to be an adult: A handbook on psychological and spiritual integration. Mahwah, NJ: Paulist Press.

Navigating Guilt

By Annabelle Parr

Feeling guilty is uncomfortable; it’s a sign that something is amiss. Investigating our guilt can help us to discover why it is present. If we have done something wrong, guilt is our conscience pushing us to adjust our behavior or atone for our mistakes. This sort of guilt is useful and exists for good reason.

But it’s also possible to feel guilty even when we haven’t done anything wrong.

Here’s an example: Lily has to tell her staff that they must come to work one Saturday a month. Although this is a company mandate, she feels guilty.

Lily has not done anything wrong, so apologizing or changing her behavior will not address her feelings of guilt in this situation.

How do we move forward and address our feelings of guilt when we have not done anything wrong?

1. Identify the feelings underlying guilt.

When you do something that upsets another person, it brings up emotions in you. You may say, “I feel guilty!” However, Tina Gilbertson says that guilt isn’t so much an emotion as it is a cue that other emotions are present. We can use guilt as an indication that we are experiencing a highly charged emotional reaction, and then we can investigate and identify the emotions that are hidden by our guilt. Paul Gilbert (2003) notes that in order to feel guilt, we may also be required also to tolerate sadness. In investigating the emotions beneath guilt, we are challenged to tolerate the discomfort they bring.

In the example, underlying Lily’s guilt may be frustration with her company for this new mandate and with the fact that she must be the one to deliver the news to her staff. She may also be feeling anxiety about how her staff will react and whether it will negatively impact her relationship with them.

2. Take note of avoidance behaviors and thoughts.

When we are not sure how to address our feelings of guilt, we may try to avoid taking the necessary action that we feel guilty about.

In the example, Lily may put off telling her staff about the new mandate.

In the Healthcare episode of The Office, Michael Scott offers an example of the extreme lengths a person might go to avoid feelings of guilt. Feeling guilty about having to cut employee health care benefits, Michael tries to pass the responsibility along to Jim and then Dwight (two of his employees). As the episode progresses and this avoidance attempt fails, Michael tries to appease everyone with ice cream sandwiches, and then proceeds to lock himself in his office until 5pm.

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It’s important to remember that avoiding taking action does not assuage our guilt, but rather prolongs it.

3. Have compassion for yourself.

Acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. Understand that it may be hard to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort. Remember that inevitably, we all disappoint people at some point or another. But it’s okay to feel disappointed, and you don’t have to “fix” other peoples’ disappointment.

In our example, Lily could be self-compassionate by recognizing that it is not her fault that her staff has to work one Saturday a month, and it is not her fault that they will be disappointed. She could say “it’s hard for me to share this news with you and it’s hard for you to hear it.”

4. Act in a way that is fitting to the situation.

Rather than giving in to avoidance, take the actions required of you even though they may be difficult. Part of acting in a way that is fitting means that you are careful not to be too apologetic. Depending on the scenario, you may share your feelings regarding the situation and the challenging position in which you find yourself, but this does not mean that you need to take on the responsibility for the other person’s disappointment or emotional reaction to your action.

For Lily, appropriate action would be holding a meeting with her staff and explaining the new policy. She does not need to apologize, but she can convey a sense of empathy for the reactions that her staff may have.

5. Step back and pause, allowing the other person/people to have their reaction/s.

If the other person is upset by your action, do not rush in to try to “fix” it or apologize. Allow them to feel their emotions, and notice what comes up for you. Have compassion for others and for yourself. And keep in mind that emotions are never permanent, and that we tend to work through them in our own time when we are allowed to feel them.

Lily might allow her staff to ask questions or express dismay. She may display empathy without wavering on the company policy or apologizing.

Guilt can affect our work, our relationships, and our behavior in all aspects of our lives.

Knowing how to navigate the sort of guilt that does not stem from wrongdoing is important. As author and civil rights activist Audre Lorde put it, “guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”

Have you found yourself struggling with a similar situation? Dr. Shea can help with learning the necessary tools to navigate such circumstances. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Gilbert, P. (2003). Evolution, social roles, and the differences in shame and guilt. Social Research:
An international quarterly, 70(4), 1205-1230.