What If Everything You Know About Anxiety Is Wrong?

By Annabelle Parr, MA, AMFT

When we experience anxiety, our minds are really good at coming up with all kinds of “what if” thoughts. And those worried thoughts often deal in extremes and absolutes, like the title of this post.  

Good news: it’s unlikely that everything you know about anxiety is wrong.

If you’ve ever experienced anxiety, at the very least you know what it feels like in your mind and your body. But it is possible that some of what you’ve learned about anxiety is not workable (that is, it doesn’t move you toward the kind of life you want to live).

Anxiety in the information age:

These days, the internet is filled with articles and podcasts discussing stress, anxiety, and self-care. It is so important to make information accessible and to talk openly about the difficult and painful parts of being a human. When we are suffering, knowing that we are not alone in our experience can make all the difference.

As much as it is wonderful that these topics are getting so much air time, the way we talk about them matters.

As anxiety is a rather hot topic these days, we decided to bust some of the common myths that, though well intentioned, can actually keep us stuck.

Myth #1: You can self-care your way out of anxiety.

There is a fair amount of content out there that sends the message that if you just take enough bubble baths, do enough yoga, or drink enough herbal tea, your anxiety will finally go away. Or that if you’re ever going to get a handle on your anxiety, you have to eat healthy, get good sleep, and exercise regularly. None of those activities are bad or wrong, and they can help us feel good.

But when we engage in a behavior (ANY behavior – even “healthy” behaviors) where the purpose is to control or avoid our internal experience, we may paradoxically find ourselves even more stuck. Our anxiety might go away momentarily, but we may find that in the long term (or even in the middle of downward dog) our anxiety actually gets more powerful. And then when anxiety doesn’t go away, we think that we are doing self-care wrong, or worse, that there is something wrong with us since it’s not working. Cue cycle of chugging herbal tea and feeling anxious about the fact that we are still feeling anxious. 

Myth #2: If you just got the hang of positive thinking, you’d be anxiety-free.

If positive thinking works for you, helps you cope, and allows you to be the person you most want to be, carry on. But if it doesn’t, you are not alone. When I am at my most anxious or upset, trying to convince myself to believe a more positive thought often makes me feel worse. I might be able to come up with a more positive thought, but then I just feel frustrated that I can’t make myself believe it. Research supports that trying to suppress our thoughts can actually increase the frequency and intensity of the very thought we are trying to avoid.  

While traditional Cognitive Behavioral Therapy works on helping people to engage in more balanced thinking (NOT unrealistically optimistic positive thinking), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy can help us change our relationship to our thoughts. Our thoughts, after all, are just words. Sometimes they have helpful information to share, but they aren’t always great at communicating it to us. 

Myth #3: You need your anxiety to go away before you can do the things that matter to you.

Anxiety is good at convincing us that we can’t or shouldn’t do things that matter to us until we feel less anxious. But the best antidote to anxiety is doing what matters to you even when anxiety is at its loudest. Because here’s the thing: anxiety typically shows up around the things that you care most about. So if you wait for anxiety to go away before you go after the life you want or before you show up as the kind of person you want to be, you may end up waiting forever.

So is your anxiety coping skills toolkit workable?

Workable simply means: does this behavior help you move in the direction of your values (who and how you want to be in the world) and does it have a cost to you? So if you have a stellar self-care routine that helps you feel more present, engaged and able to show up in your life as the person you want to be, keep doing your thing. And if positive thinking has helped you live a more meaningful, fulfilling life, keep it up.

But if you find that you are trying to control your anxiety and make it go away, and instead it just keeps getting more powerful, more intense, and more uncomfortable as your life gets smaller and more restricted, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) may help. ACT is designed to help you change your relationship to anxiety and help you develop psychological flexibility: the ability to do what matters to you no matter what.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. SAN DIEGO PSYCHOTHERAPY CAN HELP. WE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

Five Tips to Tackle Perfectionism and Engage with What Really Matters

By Annabelle Parr

Perfection. On the surface, perfection sounds, well…perfect. A worthy aspiration. Perfection is to be without flaw, and reducing flaws sounds like a pretty solid goal. Right? For those of us who have dealt with perfectionism, we know firsthand that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Far from making us our best selves, perfectionism can trap us in feelings of shame, guilt, low-self esteem, anxiety, and never ending stories in our minds about how and why we are not good enough. It can cause us to limit our choices and keep our lives small in order to avoid risking failure, and thus the tumult of pain that would follow. Far from making life feel perfect, perfectionism can leave us feeling empty and lonely. 

Filtering Out Flaws and The Trap of Social Comparison

In the age of social media, it is more tempting than ever to look at the perfectly filtered moments of other peoples’ lives and to feel like your life is the only one that is anything less than picture perfect (even during a pandemic!). When you compare your lowest moments to everyone else’s shiniest ones, your biggest flops to everyone else’s top ten hits, your worst failures to everyone else’s greatest achievements, your #nofilter to everyone else at their most coiffed, you are bound to feel like there is something wrong with you.

Social media facilitates an instant internal comparison of you at your very worst to others at their absolute best. When we buy into the idea that life should always look and feel Instagramable, we are setting ourselves us for disappointment. But perfectionism has been around far longer than Facebook, so let’s look at it more closely. Why is it so tempting to compare ourselves to others and pursue perfection as if it were possible?

Perfection = Happiness ?

It’s easy to equate striving for perfection with striving for happiness, something our culture loves to sell to us as the ultimate goal. At every turn, we are told that it is our job to be happy. Quite literally. If you are not a perpetually happy employee, partner, parent, friend, etc. you *must* be doing something wrong. Somewhere along the line, you must have messed up. 

But here’s the rub: happiness is an emotion, and like any other emotion, it is fleeting. No matter how apparently perfect your life is, you will still experience the full range of human emotion, including frustration, anger, anxiety, fear, sadness, grief, joy, excitement, and awe. There is no perfecting our way out of our emotions.

In fact, the more that we believe we must be perfect, the more likely we are to feel that we are failing and the more likely we are to be caught in uncomfortable emotions about how we don’t measure up to our own impossibly high standards. We are less likely to recognize our successes because *spoiler alert* they have not launched us into the untouchable perfect zone. Far from making us perpetually happy, a desire to be perfect is a surefire way to create extra unpleasant feelings.

Perfection = Growth ?

It’s also easy to confuse striving for perfection with striving for growth or improvement. And sure, if you are constantly beating yourself up about all the things that are wrong with you and all the ways that you are screwing up, you and your growing edges might be quite familiar. OR…

Maybe you are so petrified of being imperfect that you can’t actually examine where you have room for growth. You know you’re not perfect, but you have no concrete sense of how you want to grow because it is too excruciating to reflect on where you feel you are not measuring up. 

Scenario number two: you are busting your butt hard every day. You are exhausted and burnt out, yet no matter how much you check off your how-to-be-perfect-to-do-list, somehow the list just keeps growing. No achievement or improvement seems to make a dent towards the elusive end game of perfection.

Scenario number three: you are so paralyzed with fear of imperfection that you can’t make any choices at all. Terrified to make the wrong decision, risk making a mistake or even worse, failing, you choose not to choose. Far from perfect, life feels stagnant.

So if trying to be perfect doesn’t make us happy and doesn’t guarantee us growth, what’s the point?

Before you start beating yourself up for your perfectionistic tendencies, consider why you are so determined to be perfect in the first place. Even if it is a thwarted, misguided attempt, it probably makes some sense or else perfectionism wouldn’t be such a prevalent strategy.

Maybe your desire for perfection is a desire for belonging: somewhere along the way, you developed the belief that in order to be loved and to connect with others, you had to be flawless. Or maybe it is a desire to have a life that is rich with joy: you want a life filled with that which fills up your soul. Or maybe you find it fulfilling to strive to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. You have been striving to be perfect because you are trying the best way you know how to fulfill a deep need or desire. In other words, even though the strategy you are using has some pretty big costs, it makes sense.

What are the costs of perfectionism?

In order to redirect our energy toward a more workable strategy for engaging in life, first let’s consider the costs of trying to be perfect. They might include, but are certainly not limited to: missing out on the joy of life’s sweet moments and triumphs; saying no to opportunities for fear of failure; low self-esteem; inauthenticity leading to disconnection in the service of appearing perfect; burnout from taking on too much all the time; perpetual anxiety and shame; stagnation; and/or decreased sense of well-being. We become limited by an unattainable standard and life gets smaller and more restricted as we try to squeeze it into the perfect little box we have constructed in our minds about how it should be.

So what is the alternative?

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective, perfectionism is at its core psychological inflexibility. The alternative, then, is to cultivate psychological flexibility. How? 

1. You are not your thoughts.

First, we defuse ourselves from our “not good enough” stories. Every time our mind generates a thought about how we are failing or how we might fail or how we have failed and are now somehow unworthy, we remind ourselves that this is our mind trying to protect us and also that this thought is just a thought. We – at our very core – are more than the contents of our minds in any given moment. Our thoughts are not the whole truth about who we are or about the reality of a situation.

In her new book, Be Mighty: A Woman’s Guide to Liberation from Anxiety, Worry & Stress Using Mindfulness and Acceptance, Dr. Jill Stoddard suggests we give our inner critic a name in order to defuse – get some space from – the judgements it generates. Then, when the Critic pipes up with some new version of the “not good enough” story, we can relate to them as if they were a well-meaning friend. We can thank them for their input and desire to help protect us or motivate us, and then we can connect with what matters in this moment.

2. Pause for presence.

How do we connect with what matters in this moment when we are caught in painful emotions? We get present to what is. As Dr. Shea says, take a breath and tune in to this “painful present moment.” Identify the emotions you are experiencing and get curious about the unmet need or desire underlying your feelings.

3. Let your values guide your choices.

If we look back to the needs or desires beneath our efforts to be perfect, we can start to get a sense for our values. For example, bring to mind an area of your life in which it feels particularly important to be perfect. Now consider what this says about what is important to you. What domains of your life feel most important? If you were your ideal self in each of those contexts, who and how would you be?

For example, if it is important to you to be a perfect parent, that probably means that you value your relationship with your kids. Or if it feels important to be the perfect employee or student, that probably means that your work is important to you. Now what qualities do you want to bring to these areas of your life? Our values aren’t goals that we meet, but they describe the way that we want to be in the world. For example, maybe you want to be a loving, compassionate, present, engaged parent. Or maybe you want to be a hard-working, conscientious, ambitious employee or student.

Here is the wonderful part about connecting with our values: we get to choose on a moment by moment basis what it looks like to act in a way that is consistent with who we want to be. And here is the beautiful thing – there is no end goal. You never achieve your values permanently. They are qualities of being you can bring to any moment. And when you fail to act consistently with your values in one moment (because you will), what matters is what you choose to do in the moment following.

4. If you want to live in line with your values, you have to be willing to have discomfort.

When we are caught in needing to be perfect, it tends to be excruciating to recognize when we fall short (often). This is partially because our desire for perfection shows up in the areas of life that matter to us. Making moment by moment choices in line with our values rather than in line with a goal of perfection does not spare us discomfort. Those areas of life still matter to us and it still will hurt when we fall short of acting in line with our values, even if we have defused from our desire to be perfect.

An important piece of the puzzle is that we must be willing to have uncomfortable feelings. We can’t take away the anxiety, sadness, anger, fear, or pain that are inevitable parts of being human. In fact, those feelings often point directly toward something that we care deeply about, and if we were able to rid ourselves of those emotions we would also have to get rid of the joy, love, happiness, and awe that come from connecting with what and who is important to us.

5. Finally, get present to what is.

One of the biggest costs of perfectionism is that we lose touch with the sweetness of life. We are so caught in wanting it to be perfect all the time, that we miss the bliss of both the big and small moments that come pretty darn close. When our minds are frantically searching for something wrong, we miss out on experiencing everything that might be so right. The point of being mindful and present is not to be happy all the time, but it is to bring nonjudgmental attention to what is in this moment. When we are truly present, we free ourselves up to make more deliberate decisions about how to act. We are more conscious of our thoughts and feelings, and we are more likely to catch the sweet little moments that brighten and enrich our lives.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” – John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck said it so well when he said, “and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” The ACT perspective would say, and now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can live a life that is guided by what truly matters. You are free to connect with what is important to you and learn to live in line with who you want to be. When we need life to be perfect, we drain it of vitality. When we give ourselves the freedom to be imperfect, we free ourselves up to connect with who we want to be and what truly matters most.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, MINDFULNESS, AND TELEMENTAL HEALTH SERVICES. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

I Get Nervous in Social Situations…Do I Have Social Anxiety Disorder?

By Annabelle Parr

Most of us probably know what it’s like to feel nervous about public speaking or before going on a first date. We might feel anxious before a job interview, or find our palms get sweaty right before we shake hands with someone we’ve just met. But for the 7 percent of US adults that experience social anxiety disorder in a given year, the fear of humiliation and embarrassment can be debilitating (National Institute of Mental Health, 2017).

What is social anxiety disorder?

Getting anxious in a social situation does not mean that you have social anxiety disorder. In order to receive this diagnosis (American Psychiatric Association, 2013), you must experience persistent fear or anxiety about one or more social situations, causing you to either avoid or suffer through the feared situation. In addition, you must also fear that your behavior will reflect your anxiety and that this will lead to negative social repercussions, like humiliation or rejection. Finally, the anxiety must be out of proportion to what might be expected in that context. This fear, anxiety, or avoidance around social situations must last for at least 6 months and it must make it difficult to function in important areas of life, such as work, school, or relationships. 

What are some examples of situations that trigger social anxiety?

Individuals experiencing social anxiety might find themselves feeling anxious about any number of situations, including making small talk with coworkers, interacting with the cashier at the grocery store, ordering a latte, going on dates, attending parties, eating in public, giving a speech or presentation, or performing in front of an audience. The main fear underlying social anxiety is experiencing rejection or humiliation.

Social anxiety isn’t all bad.

Like all anxiety disorders, social anxiety disorder is an adaptive response gone awry. The reason we all know that heart pounding, cheeks flushing, palms sweating reaction to a nerve-wracking social situation is that we have evolved physiologically to avoid any trace of rejection. Humans are inherently social animals, and our survival has depended upon our ability to function in the context of relationships. Beyond basic survival, relationships also add joy and meaning to our lives. As a result, we are literally neurologically wired to connect with one another. We achieve that social connection by concerning ourselves with what those around us think, need, and feel. Imagine a world where everyone only cared about themselves and paid no attention to the impact they had on others…yikes! So a little anxiety around situations that might result in rejection can be a really healthy, adaptive response. However, if you find yourself so afraid of rejection that you can’t be vulnerable enough to engage in necessary or meaningful social interactions, that’s when social anxiety can become problematic.

Risking rejection is part of the process of having deeper connections.

The paradox here is that in order to seek connection, you are also automatically risking rejection. You cannot get the joy and reward of interacting and bonding with others if you are not also willing to accept that this will sometimes result in pain, embarrassment, or rejection. Social anxiety disorder – unlike manageable anxiety that shows up in any number of vulnerable situations – hinders connection because the desire to avoid rejection overwhelms the impulse to seek connection. In other words, you miss out on both the risks and the rewards.

What are the consequences of social anxiety disorder?

When social anxiety reaches disordered levels, it can make it impossible to focus on anything but anxiety, so you are unable to be truly present in the situation and you white-knuckle your way through. Or it is so overwhelming that you avoid the situation entirely, and life becomes restricted by fear. It can result in isolation, loneliness, and underperformance in areas which you might otherwise excel. The catch is that the anxiety is so strong that it prevents you from learning that a positive outcome is possible. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this is called experiential avoidance.

Does social anxiety have to rule my life?

No! The good news is that social anxiety is highly treatable. With Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), clients can learn to reframe their anxious thoughts to be more realistic, as opposed to catastrophic. They can learn that anxiety is not all bad, but how we view it drastically affects how it impacts us. And with the help of a therapist, they can learn to slowly face the things that have come to feel impossible. ACT, the third wave of CBT, can also help clients to get in touch with their values and act in ways that bring meaning to their lives, even when they are experiencing something difficult, like anxiety or fear.

Getting anxious in social situations is a pretty universal experience. It’s hard to find someone who has never been nervous about some kind of vulnerable, human-to-human experience. But when it becomes something that is making it difficult to engage in life in the ways that bring you purpose and joy, it might be worth reaching out for some help.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, DC: Author.

National Institute of Mental Health. (2017). Social anxiety disorder: Statistics [Webpage]. Retrieved from https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/social-anxiety-disorder.shtml