by Annabelle Parr

We all struggle at some point in our lives. To hurt is to be human, no matter how much we want to avoid it. For most of us, our natural, reflexive reaction is to try to move away from pain. But avoidance will not serve us; it only brings us more anguish in the long run. The response that will serve us best is to feel. As author John Green (2012) wisely put it, pain demands to be felt.

Instead of viewing emotional pain – grief, loss, sadness, anxiety, stress, fear, or even depression – as a threat or as something inherently bad, we can get curious about these feelings, the wisdom they offer, and the purpose they serve. As Rumi reminds us in the poem The Guest House, every emotion is simply a guest. No emotion is ever permanent, but each one serves a purpose. “Each has been sent as a guide from beyond,” so we should learn to sit with each emotion and ask why it is present.

It can be scary to make contact with the pain that life brings, especially if that is exactly what you have been trying to avoid doing your whole life. It can feel overwhelming and unknown. A therapist can model for you how to approach your pain with mindfulness and compassion, showing you how healing that experience feels, and teaching you to approach yourself and your emotions in the same way. They can help you learn that leaning into the feeling does not mean that the emotion controls you, but rather that you are simply giving it the space it needs to move through you. They can help you to come alongside whatever is causing you pain, and look at it more deeply with you so that you can begin to heal, instead of staying stuck. In fact, the connection that comes from leaning in with someone who profoundly sees and hears you can be incredibly healing.

The more we are able to embrace the pain in our lives, the more deeply we will feel those things that we all desire: love, joy, connection, and peace. Because emotions are not actually opposites, but two sides of the same coin. To know love is to know loss, to know joy is to know sadness, to know connection is to know isolation, and to know peace is to know conflict. And as Brené Brown (2010) reminds us, “you cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb [hard feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”

Here are some tips based on mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy for you to begin this process of being with pain, thereby allowing the wisdom inside you to emerge:

Practice RAIN (Brach, 2013). This mindfulness acronym can help us to connect to the moment and to our feelings in a meaningful way.
1. Recognize what is happening. Name your thoughts or emotions, or any feelings or sensations you are experiencing.
2. Allow life to be as it is. Do not try to suppress or push away the discomfort that may accompany your thoughts or feelings. Simply allow yourself to be as you are.
3. Investigate with kindness. Connect more deeply with what you are experiencing, using a gentle curiosity to delve into your experience. You might think about how you are experiencing your feelings in your body, or perhaps ask what it is your feelings want from you.
4. Nonattachment. Rest in the natural awareness that your thoughts and feelings do not define you or your identity.
Pick up a good book that offers some helpful wisdom regarding being with our emotions. Here are some suggestions: Constructive Wallowing by Tina Gilbertson, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

Remind yourself that pain is a universal. No person is impervious, although its content varies by person. Therefore, try not to compare your pain to others. "Pain, no matter, how large or small, is still painful," and needs our attention.
Consider the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) concept, "pain can be our ally." When we are hurting, often that pain can remind us of what is most meaningful, and help you to turn your attention to how you can get your values better fulfilled.
Practice using compassionate self-talk and self-love. For example, say to yourself “no wonder I feel this way.” Put a hand on your heart, cradle your face, or even give yourself a hug. Small gestures and touch have been shown to be very healing. Try this self-compassion exercise from Kristin Neff if you need a little guidance:

http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/

Reach out to a friend or family member for support.
Contact a professional if you feel you could benefit from some deeper exploration.

If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

References:

Brach, T. (2013). Working with difficulties: The blessings of RAIN. Retieved from https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/rain-workingwithdifficulties/

Brown, B. (2010). Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Green, J. (2012). The fault in our stars. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.

by Annabelle Parr

Somehow the holidays have snuck up on us once again. Though this time of year is meant to be filled with joy and cheer, for many of us it is also filled with stress, anxiety, and maybe even sadness or pain. The holiday season does not erase preexisting struggles, and it can add an extra layer of stress on top of what we may already have been dealing with. If you are having a hard time during the holidays, you may not feel like you have permission to be anything but happy.

But it’s important to remember you are not alone if you’re feeling stressed, tired, or less than joyful. The holidays can be difficult for many people and for many reasons. Engaging in the annual holiday traditions may bring back upsetting memories for those who experienced trauma, loss, or pain at this time of year. You may feel the weight of a recent change or loss, or you may notice that things have stayed the same from one holiday season to another when you desired a change. Maybe you have a challenging relationship with a particular family member that you have to navigate during the holidays, or maybe going home and back into your family system brings up unresolved conflicts or issues. Or maybe you enjoy the holidays, but you find yourself rushing around trying to accomplish everything on your to-do list within a budget of both time and money, and as a result you are unable to appreciate a time of year that you love because you are feeling so harried.

Whether your heart is feeling full of joy or full of pain, or some combination of both, here are a list of things that you can do to be kind to yourself and manage the stress that may accompany this season.

1. Remember that “comparison is the thief of joy.” So, heed Theodore Roosevelt’s wise words, and try not to compare your holiday experience with what you see on TV, in movies, or on Facebook. And try not to set unrealistic expectations for yourself and for whatever holiday you celebrate. As Voltaire wisely put it, “perfect is the enemy of good.” Your holiday doesn’t have to be perfect to be good. So give yourself the grace for a few mistakes or snags in the plan because they are inevitable.

2. Give yourself permission to say no. There is only so much time in the month of December. Though it is easy to feel the pressure to say yes to everything holiday related, it is important to know your own limits. Setting clear boundaries for yourself, with both your time and your finances, can help to reduce stress. Giving yourself some time to rest can allow you to more fully appreciate those things that you do choose to say yes to.

3. Acknowledge your feelings. If you are feeling sad, anxious, lonely, or depressed, know that it’s okay. Allow yourself to feel those things without beating yourself up or feeling guilty for feeling this way at the holidays. Remember that we get ourselves into trouble when we try to avoid distressing feelings. And keep in mind that happiness and sadness can coexist. We can have moments of each, and even moments of both. But if we are busy trying to deny or avoid our pain, it’s going to be much harder to feel the joy at all.

4. Practice self-compassion. Self-compassion means that we “mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response, remembering that imperfection is part of the shared human experience. This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain, while providing the optimal conditions for growth and transformation” (Neff, 2016).

5. Practice kind self-talk. Listen to the thoughts running through your mind. Do you talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend or loved one? Or are you beating yourself up for mistakes, imperfections, or feelings you wish weren’t there? If your self-talk is less than kind, try to remember to give yourself the same grace you would give to the people you love.

6. Breathe. Frustrated with a long check-out line? Angry that someone cut you off in the parking lot? Feeling overwhelmed with your to-do lists? One of your relatives pushing your buttons? Remember to take a breath. Focus mindfully on each inhalation and exhalation, noticing your belly rise and fall with each breath. Mindful breathing exercises can help center you and calm your nervous system down.

7. Take care of yourself. You know what you need better than anyone. Taking care of yourself might mean staying active and setting time aside for exercise – whether that is a long distance run or a stroll through your neighborhood. Or maybe you need a night in, wrapped in a blanket watching your favorite holiday movie. Self-care might mean surrounding yourself with your closest friends or family, or it might look like taking some time to be alone and read a good book. Ask yourself what you need and listen to your body’s response.

8. Seek support when you need it. If you are feeling overwhelmed and everything is just too much, know that you don’t need to handle it alone. If you have too much to do, consider asking your loved ones to help you tackle a few things. If you’re feeling lonely or down, reach out to a trusted loved one to talk. If you feel you might benefit from some professional support, therapy is a good place to come work things through with an empathic, non-judgmental counselor. Talking with someone who knows how to listen and who can provide you with some coping tools can be incredibly healing.

References:

Neff, K. (2016). Tips for practice. Self-compassion. Retrieved from http://self-compassion.org/tips-for-practice/

When Pain Demands To Be Felt

References:

Give Yourself the Gift of Kindness This Holiday Season