Work-Life Balance: On Connecting with Our Values

By Annabelle Parr 

As technology has expanded in the last couple of decades, the workplace has changed significantly. With laptops and smartphones, work can follow you outside of the office and into the hours outside of 9 to 5. While the upside of this shift is that there is now more opportunity for flexibility, the downside is that it can mean pressure to work non-stop. No place is sacred when the smartphone can ping you with an email anytime, anywhere. As a result of both the increased opportunity for flexibility and the increased opportunity for being forever on the clock, work life balance is tricky. How can we create balance between work and other important areas of our lives, like family, fitness, fun, etc.?

When work life balance becomes oppressive…

Though this question is certainly valuable and worth considering, the emphasis on work life balance also has the potential to become oppressive. Are you balanced enough? Have you created the perfect balance between working and spending time with your kids and your partner? Are you doing it all with a smile?

When we fuse with this ideal of work life balance – in other words, when we hold as a literal truth that we must equally balance our time between our work lives and the other aspects of our lives – we can lose sight of the original point behind the concept. We may find ourselves feeling increasingly stretched too thin. Rather than enjoying our so-called balanced lives, we may find ourselves feeling persistently inadequate, unsatisfied, and that we are failing in some regard.

Values-based living offers an alternative approach

So what can we do instead? We can construct our own personal definition of what it means to have a fulfilling, balanced life. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) suggests that when we connect with our own personally chosen, deeply held values (rather than values imposed upon us, designed to please culture/other people, or driven by a “should”), we construct a compass which guides our decisions. Values are not the same as goals or outcomes, but are qualities of being, toward which we can strive in each moment. When we are conscious of and connected to our values, we are equipped with a why to drive our actions. 

And once we know what matters to us, we can begin to prioritize the things that truly bring us meaning and fulfillment. We can gauge whether our lives are aligned with our values or out of sync, regardless of whether they live up to the ‘work life balance’ ideal. Then we can consider what (if anything) needs to change in order to better align with what’s really important to us. The beauty of this idea is that there is no one right way to structure our lives. To the extent that you have choices about your work and your time spent outside it, you get to decide what matters to you and what actions you can take in that direction.

How do we connect with our values?

There are a whole host of ways that we can get in touch with our values. ACT relies on experiential exercises and metaphors to teach psychological flexibility skills and to help us connect with what matters.

One exercise that can help you consider what is truly important to you is to try writing a summary of your own autobiography written twenty years from now. What’s the title? How do you hope to be described? What major accomplishments or milestones are noted? What stands out about you in your life story? 

If you’d like to try a similar exercise, imagine what you would want people to say about you in your eulogy. This exercise may sound morbid, but in connecting with the finitude of life, we can reflect on how we want to move forward with our lives and how we want to engage with the present, rather than reflecting back with regret. How do you hope you will be described by the people that matter to you most at the end of your life? How do you want to be remembered? What do you hope you will have accomplished? How do you hope to have spent your time? Who do you hope to be?

If this activity feels too morbid for you, before you decide not to complete it, be present with and honor the feelings that show up when you consider the exercise. Those feelings may have something important to say… 

Once you have done one (or both) of these activities, see what themes emerge. What matters to you? Who and how do you want to be? How do you want to spend your time? What do you want to bring to the world? You may notice some goals you have for your life, but see if you can step back from the goals and identify the qualities of being that you want to embody. These are your personal values. Now, consider how you can apply them to your life today. In what ways is your life consistent with or at odds with your eulogy or your autobiography? These are the areas in which you may want to consider making values-based changes.

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.

What We Resist Persists

by Shoshana Shea

Have you ever had these thoughts: “Everything REALLY IS fine, so why do I feel so sad?”  Or “I’m unhappy, yet I have nothing to be unhappy about.”  Or “I have a lot of NOISE in my head; I can’t get this nagging feeling to go away, even though I have a ‘good life,’ overall.”  Normally, our first instinct is to rationalize or push away uncomfortable feelings.  We try to think our way out of these painful periods in our lives. And for the most part, that has worked out fine.  On the other hand, we have never fully gotten rid of the thought, “Maybe I could be happier?”  Or perhaps we know we’re not happy, but we feel stuck and don’t know what to do.  Despite trying to push the thoughts away, they can become more intrusive, more frequent, and more oppressive.  In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) there is a common saying, originally opined by famous analyst, Carl Jung: “what you resist persists.”  In other words, even our life long strategies of thinking ‘harder,’ or further rationalizing, and/or attempting to ignore our feelings, can become ineffective in pushing pain away.

This is not necessarily a bad place to be in your life.  According to Buddhist nun, author, and world renown teacher, Pema Chodron (1997), “...feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”

I’m fine, but not really.

This “I’m fine, but not really” experience can happen in any situation in our life – in our romantic relationships, friendships, work, family, and inside ourselves.  Consider this scenario: Sally has a decent paying job, but she is overworked. She comes home feeling drained and anxious, sometimes numb. The boss just gave her a cost of living raise, but not a merit one.  She has the thought, “I should just be happy I have a job at all when so many people don’t.”

Why do the thoughts persist?

The thoughts persist because our body is trying to alert us that ‘an important something’ is needing our attention, and we can no longer continue the way we have been doing so.  Our job is to do a deeper investigation in order to generate more effective coping strategies in our lives and ultimately, to move in a more meaningful life direction.  The thoughts will continue as long as we don’t address the underlying causes.

Our brain runs on templates

Another reason these thoughts persist is that our brains will engage in familiar behavioral and thinking patterns that maintain the status quo.  We want a quick fix where relief is readily available.  Having to sit and do a deeper investigation of our feelings and possibly take actions that initially heighten our pain for the purpose of getting the long-term pay-off is not to our brain’s liking.  We will, therefore, look for coping strategies that are readily accessible and that we have utilized in the past. Given that our neural pathways like this familiarity and run on these (often outdated) templates to help us cope and navigate any situation, we will avoid trying something new or unfamiliar; even if that familiarity does not involve a happy outcome, it’s a predictable one. 

Forging a new neural pathway is akin to having to cut down a path through a cornfield

Furthermore, creating a new neural pathway has been compared to walking through an overgrown cornfield, as opposed to a path that is already cut down and well-tread. Forging a new path is akin to taking out a pocket knife and cutting down one stalk at a time.  That can be fairly disheartening and who knows what lies on the other side of the field, so why expend the effort?  An even more unsatisfying work situation or relationship may be at the end of the path.  So we fall back on old “safe” behaviors and continue to feel unsatisfied in our lives.

The paradox in all this is that this built-in mechanism that is meant to protect us is actually keeping us from being more content in our lives.  The Rochester Meditation Center’s Daily Tejaniya for May 2, 2018 captures that idea perfectly: A meditation student said her meditations were deeply unpleasant because she had to face a torrent of random thoughts, distracting fantasies, and harsh self-judgments.  “Do you want it to stop?” Sayadaw asked her.  “Yes!” she said. “That’s the problem,” he said.

So What Can We Do?

1. Stop struggling, as the example with the meditation teacher and student above implies, we have to stop pushing back on the thoughts and telling ourselves we can’t think that way. Remember, what we resist persists!
    
2. Thoughts are not the problem – Acknowledge that the thoughts are there, and know that our brains, albeit exhausting, are trying to find a quick fix to the situation by thinking ‘harder.’ 
    
3. “You can’t control your first thought, but you can [certainly] control the second” (Hendrix & Hunt, 2013.) The first thought is our primal brain (i.e., the part of the brain that we share with many other species) reacting to pain and perceived danger. The second thought has the potential to engage our higher ordered thinking human brains, in a more fully embodied way, to include more information than our initial thoughts. This is our opportunity to look at the larger picture!
    
4. Understand that the thoughts and emotions are there for good reason.  Something does need our attention; however, we need to engage our thoughts in a different way, not by pushing back on them or getting pulled down into their content.
    
5. Sometimes we do have to make some hard choices – Initially, in the short run, we may have to make some difficult decisions and put in some hard work, for the long-term payoff. As in the case of Sally, she may need to find a new job and/or take a pay cut at first, so she can ultimately have more upward mobility.  That will likely involve more pain at first; our brains don’t like that, and will tell us all kinds of stories about why we can’t handle making a change in our lives.
    
6. The body never lies – If we are in pain, our body is only alerting us to that and wants us to move towards a better quality of life.  The body knows making a mindful change will lead us to a better place.  Instead of loneliness and disconnection, if we tune into our “gut,” ultimately, we will come to a more connected fulfilling place.
    
7. Therapy can be helpful to make some changes – A therapist can identify where we are getting stuck and help us relate to our thoughts in a more helpful way. By taking us through a deeper investigation, our wisdom can emerge to help facilitate meaningful changes and action in our life.

If you find yourself struggling, feeling stuck, and/or could use some help navigating your feelings, you could benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and Mindfulness. Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Chodron, P. (1997). When things fall apart. Heart advice for difficult times. Boston, MA: Shambala Publications, Inc.

Hendrix, H.  & Hunt, H.L. (2013). Making marriage simple. 10 relationship-saving truths. New York, NY: Harmony Books.

The Rochester Meditation Center. (May 2, 2018). The Daily Tejaniya.

Navigating Guilt

By Annabelle Parr

Feeling guilty is uncomfortable; it’s a sign that something is amiss. Investigating our guilt can help us to discover why it is present. If we have done something wrong, guilt is our conscience pushing us to adjust our behavior or atone for our mistakes. This sort of guilt is useful and exists for good reason.

But it’s also possible to feel guilty even when we haven’t done anything wrong.

Here’s an example: Lily has to tell her staff that they must come to work one Saturday a month. Although this is a company mandate, she feels guilty.

Lily has not done anything wrong, so apologizing or changing her behavior will not address her feelings of guilt in this situation.

How do we move forward and address our feelings of guilt when we have not done anything wrong?

1. Identify the feelings underlying guilt.

When you do something that upsets another person, it brings up emotions in you. You may say, “I feel guilty!” However, Tina Gilbertson says that guilt isn’t so much an emotion as it is a cue that other emotions are present. We can use guilt as an indication that we are experiencing a highly charged emotional reaction, and then we can investigate and identify the emotions that are hidden by our guilt. Paul Gilbert (2003) notes that in order to feel guilt, we may also be required also to tolerate sadness. In investigating the emotions beneath guilt, we are challenged to tolerate the discomfort they bring.

In the example, underlying Lily’s guilt may be frustration with her company for this new mandate and with the fact that she must be the one to deliver the news to her staff. She may also be feeling anxiety about how her staff will react and whether it will negatively impact her relationship with them.

2. Take note of avoidance behaviors and thoughts.

When we are not sure how to address our feelings of guilt, we may try to avoid taking the necessary action that we feel guilty about.

In the example, Lily may put off telling her staff about the new mandate.

In the Healthcare episode of The Office, Michael Scott offers an example of the extreme lengths a person might go to avoid feelings of guilt. Feeling guilty about having to cut employee health care benefits, Michael tries to pass the responsibility along to Jim and then Dwight (two of his employees). As the episode progresses and this avoidance attempt fails, Michael tries to appease everyone with ice cream sandwiches, and then proceeds to lock himself in his office until 5pm.

Source URL: http://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/news-photo/health-care-episode-3-aired-pictured-steve-carell-as-news-photo/141187274#health-care-episode-3-aired-04052005-pictured-steve-carell-as-michael-picture-id141187274

It’s important to remember that avoiding taking action does not assuage our guilt, but rather prolongs it.

3. Have compassion for yourself.

Acknowledge that you are in a difficult situation. Understand that it may be hard to acknowledge your feelings of discomfort. Remember that inevitably, we all disappoint people at some point or another. But it’s okay to feel disappointed, and you don’t have to “fix” other peoples’ disappointment.

In our example, Lily could be self-compassionate by recognizing that it is not her fault that her staff has to work one Saturday a month, and it is not her fault that they will be disappointed. She could say “it’s hard for me to share this news with you and it’s hard for you to hear it.”

4. Act in a way that is fitting to the situation.

Rather than giving in to avoidance, take the actions required of you even though they may be difficult. Part of acting in a way that is fitting means that you are careful not to be too apologetic. Depending on the scenario, you may share your feelings regarding the situation and the challenging position in which you find yourself, but this does not mean that you need to take on the responsibility for the other person’s disappointment or emotional reaction to your action.

For Lily, appropriate action would be holding a meeting with her staff and explaining the new policy. She does not need to apologize, but she can convey a sense of empathy for the reactions that her staff may have.

5. Step back and pause, allowing the other person/people to have their reaction/s.

If the other person is upset by your action, do not rush in to try to “fix” it or apologize. Allow them to feel their emotions, and notice what comes up for you. Have compassion for others and for yourself. And keep in mind that emotions are never permanent, and that we tend to work through them in our own time when we are allowed to feel them.

Lily might allow her staff to ask questions or express dismay. She may display empathy without wavering on the company policy or apologizing.

Guilt can affect our work, our relationships, and our behavior in all aspects of our lives.

Knowing how to navigate the sort of guilt that does not stem from wrongdoing is important. As author and civil rights activist Audre Lorde put it, “guilt is not a response to anger; it is a response to one’s own actions or lack of action. If it leads to change then it can be useful, since it is then no longer guilt but the beginning of knowledge.”

Have you found yourself struggling with a similar situation? Dr. Shea can help with learning the necessary tools to navigate such circumstances. She can be contacted at 619-269-2377.

References:

Gilbert, P. (2003). Evolution, social roles, and the differences in shame and guilt. Social Research:
An international quarterly, 70(4), 1205-1230.

When Pain Demands To Be Felt

by Annabelle Parr

We all struggle at some point in our lives. To hurt is to be human, no matter how much we want to avoid it. For most of us, our natural, reflexive reaction is to try to move away from pain. But avoidance will not serve us; it only brings us more anguish in the long run. The response that will serve us best is to feel. As author John Green (2012) wisely put it, pain demands to be felt.

Instead of viewing emotional pain – grief, loss, sadness, anxiety, stress, fear, or even depression – as a threat or as something inherently bad, we can get curious about these feelings, the wisdom they offer, and the purpose they serve. As Rumi reminds us in the poem The Guest House, every emotion is simply a guest. No emotion is ever permanent, but each one serves a purpose. “Each has been sent as a guide from beyond,” so we should learn to sit with each emotion and ask why it is present.  

It can be scary to make contact with the pain that life brings, especially if that is exactly what you have been trying to avoid doing your whole life. It can feel overwhelming and unknown. A therapist can model for you how to approach your pain with mindfulness and compassion, showing you how healing that experience feels, and teaching you to approach yourself and your emotions in the same way. They can help you learn that leaning into the feeling does not mean that the emotion controls you, but rather that you are simply giving it the space it needs to move through you. They can help you to come alongside whatever is causing you pain, and look at it more deeply with you so that you can begin to heal, instead of staying stuck. In fact, the connection that comes from leaning in with someone who profoundly sees and hears you can be incredibly healing.

The more we are able to embrace the pain in our lives, the more deeply we will feel those things that we all desire: love, joy, connection, and peace. Because emotions are not actually opposites, but two sides of the same coin. To know love is to know loss, to know joy is to know sadness, to know connection is to know isolation, and to know peace is to know conflict. And as Brené Brown (2010) reminds us, “you cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb [hard feelings], we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.”

Here are some tips based on mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy for you to begin this process of being with pain, thereby allowing the wisdom inside you to emerge:

• Practice RAIN (Brach, 2013). This mindfulness acronym can help us to connect to the moment and to our feelings in a meaningful way.
  1. Recognize what is happening. Name your thoughts or emotions, or any feelings or sensations you are experiencing.
  2. Allow life to be as it is. Do not try to suppress or push away the discomfort that may accompany your thoughts or feelings. Simply allow yourself to be as you are.
  3. Investigate with kindness. Connect more deeply with what you are experiencing, using a gentle curiosity to delve into your experience. You might think about how you are experiencing your feelings in your body, or perhaps ask what it is your feelings want from you.
  4. Nonattachment. Rest in the natural awareness that your thoughts and feelings do not define you or your identity.
• Pick up a good book that offers some helpful wisdom regarding being with our emotions. Here are some suggestions: Constructive Wallowing by Tina Gilbertson, Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

• Remind yourself that pain is a universal.  No person is impervious, although its content varies by person. Therefore, try not to compare your pain to others.  "Pain, no matter, how large or small, is still painful," and needs our attention.
• Consider the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) concept, "pain can be our ally." When we are hurting, often that pain can remind us of what is most meaningful, and help you to turn your attention to how you can get your values better fulfilled.
• Practice using compassionate self-talk and self-love. For example, say to yourself “no wonder I feel this way.” Put a hand on your heart, cradle your face, or even give yourself a hug. Small gestures and touch have been shown to be very healing. Try this self-compassion exercise from Kristin Neff if you need a little guidance:

http://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/

• Reach out to a friend or family member for support.
• Contact a professional if you feel you could benefit from some deeper exploration. 

If you or a loved one might be interested in mindfulness, acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) or cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for stress, anxiety, depression, trauma, grief, weight, eating, body image, substance use, or challenges related to relationships, work, or other life transitions, Dr. Shoshana Shea can help. If you would like more information or if you are interested in setting up an appointment, please contact her at 619-269-2377 or shoshanashea@gmail.com.

References: 

Brach, T. (2013). Working with difficulties: The blessings of RAIN. Retieved from https://www.tarabrach.com/articles-interviews/rain-workingwithdifficulties/

Brown, B. (2010). Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability. [Video file]. Retrieved from http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability

Green, J. (2012). The fault in our stars. New York, NY: The Penguin Group.