by Shoshana Shea
“The definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results.” - Albert Einstein
What do you do when you run out of reasonable (or at least semi-reasonable!) coping strategies, finding that they are just not working to improve your situation? One more conversation with your partner using a respectful tone and making a request they be more mindful of a situation; hoping a person will consider you just once before they act; bending over backwards to make sure someone is OK and getting little to no acknowledgement of your help. Or, do you need to recognize the insanity of trying the same ineffectual “solutions,” perpetually expecting different results, and make some shifts in your behavior, by trying something new instead?
In one of my favorite scenes from the “Bee Movie,” Jerry Seinfeld’s character, Barry the Bee, flies into someone’s home to get out of the rain because, as the movie states, everyone knows that bees can’t fly in the rain (Seinfeld & Smith, 2007)! When he realizes that it’s even more dangerous to be inside a house with humans, he tries to leave out the window he just flew in. So he heads towards the window and crashes into it. You see, the problem is that the humans had closed the window right after he flew in. He proceeds to stand up and continue crashing into the window multiple times reciting the words, “Maybe this time; maybe this time, this time! This time! This time!” only to get shot back down by the cold hard glass. In exasperation he decries, “This is diabolical!”
I know I can certainly relate to Barry the Bee. How many times have we tried to use a strategy over and over again, only to not have it work, even if it seems perfectly reasonable?! He flew in through the window; why would he not be able to fly back out?!
There is a great metaphor from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) of a man who is walking along and drops into a deep, dark hole (Hayes, Stosahl, & Wilson, 1999). At the bottom is a shovel, so he starts digging because there are no other tools around him. He digs and digs, only to discover he has created an even deeper hole than when he started. ‘Digging’ our way out with the only tool at our disposal seems logical at first, but it is ultimately the strategy that is holding us back from successfully moving forward in our lives. What’s a person (or a bee) to do in these situations?
Consider these 5 ideas to help you exit the house or climb out of the hole:
1) Acceptance– Acknowledge the reality of the situation. What is the problem or issue at hand? What strategy are we using, and is it helpful or unhelpful in resolving the situation? Have awareness of the fact that everything we’ve tried thus far is not working. Banging our head against the window isn’t going to open it.
2) Letting go might be the best option – i.e., drop the shovel. Usually the strategy we are using is serving as an avoidance of the present moment. Barry the Bee was in a very precarious situation. I don’t blame him for being reluctant to give up the option of leaving the way he came in. It was all he knew. These situations hurt our heads, metaphorically and literally. We attempt to rationalize using the same ineffective strategy, instead of looking at the ultimate reality. The window is closed and it is not going to work as an exit strategy, whether we like it or not! The best option is to let go of the strategy that is not only not working, but likely making the situation worse! For example, staying in a relationship that we know is not serving us drains more of our energy than most of us are willing to admit.
3) “The window” or the solution might be all there inside of us. Sitting quietly and tuning in to our wisdom, we can usually find numerous answers. We just might have a heap of fear because it will likely require venturing out into unchartered territory. Our self-critic usually doesn’t like that…how do we know it will work? We don’t, unless we try.
4) There might be another window, but we may not have access to it in that very moment. This is related to the previous idea. As we sit with the present moment rather than running from it, we tune in to our “gut,” our good sense, and we see that the solution has multiple steps and may take a bit of time to get there. For example, if you are unhappy at work and ultimately decide to go back to night school to retrain for a different career, going through the steps to get there may take some time.
5) We might need to practice what I like to call “trial and adjustment” as opposed to “trial and error”; we have to try out a new solution to see if it works. We won’t know what the outcome will be until we try. If it doesn’t work, that doesn’t make it an error at all. Rather, it’s a behavioral experiment, or a work in progress where we assess the feedback/data collected and make necessary adjustments. For example, look for support from a different source, rather than going to the same friend or family member who continues to be emotionally unavailable or makes most of us feel worse than before. There is no guarantee that whatever avenue we try will ultimately lead to the solution, but we never know until we try. The famous hockey player, Wayne Gretsky, said, “We miss 100% of the shots we never take.”
IF YOU FIND YOURSELF STRUGGLING, FEELING STUCK, AND/OR COULD USE SOME HELP NAVIGATING YOUR FEELINGS, YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY, ACCEPTANCE AND COMMITMENT THERAPY, AND MINDFULNESS. DR. SHOSHANA SHEA CAN HELP. SHE CAN BE CONTACTED AT 619-269-2377.
References
Hayes, S.C., Strosahl, K.D., Wilson, K.G. (1999). Acceptance and commitment therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. New York: Guildford Press.
Seinfeld, J. (Producer), & Smith, S. J. (Director). (2007). Bee Movie [Motion Picture]. United States: DreamWorks Animation.